Last Post - Join us at our new blog

This will be my last post in Waiting for Hannah. I have started a new family blog at www.mcbryde-family.blogspot.com. I invite you to start following us there. I posted several posts all at once, so remember to start from the bottom and work your way up.

Hannah has been home for 3 1/2 months now and she is really settling into the family. She seems to laugh more and has started being "silly". Today for the first time, I saw her doing imaginative play all by herself with a piece of cheese. It became a school bus and it was zooming across the table and she was talking about it while no one was looking. This is a big milestone for her. She didn't really know how to play when she came to us. Now she will feed her baby a bottle, play with blocks/connectagons, and finally imagine. I am so happy for her.

She likes to pray, likes her Sunday School and preschool classes, loves to paint and draw, and her language is really starting to come together. I am forcing her to say complete sentences and she is able to say them. Of course, there is still much to learn, but we are thankful that she can communicate better and better each day.

As a family, we are still finding our new balance but it is getting easier. I remember a discussion I had with Lauren and Andrew early on about just trying to make it to Christmas. Well, we made it, with God's faithful hand upholding us all the way, and things are so much improved. We will start homeschooling again in January, so I am hoping that will bring more normalcy back into our lives. Yes, it will be more challenging, but it is what we know, it is what we do, we need to get back to just being us again.

As for my anxiety/depression, it comes and goes, but I really feel like I am starting to get my life back again. I had 2 bad reactions to anti-depressants, so I decided they just weren't for me. I know there are other medical options out there, but I am seeing so much fruit from just lots of time in the Word, in prayer, and talking with dear Christian women. My pastor gave me an awesome book "Depression, A Stubborn Darkness" that has been pivotal in my healing. I am so thankful to God for all the people He has sent my way to aid me in this journey. I am hopeful again. I am starting to make plans again, but now much more reliant on Him. I remember hearing someone who adopted say she was glad they did it because it taught her how to really trust God. I know what she means. One journey is over, but another is just beginning. I pray for strength for that journey constantly. He is faithful. The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.

Still More Pictures

Tinkerbell, Hannah can be quite a girly-girl,

First "Lovey Fest" on a rainy day,

Fall Fun

More Pictures

Learning to eat Peanut Butter and Butter Sandwiches,

The Airshow,

First Haircut,

The twins getting ready for our morning walk

Hannah's First 2 Months

I apologize for not blogging lately. Having an almost 9-year-old, a 6-year-old, and 2 3-year-olds is enough to drive anyone crazy, not to mention a mom who was really crazy just a few weeks ago. But God is gracious to us and we are all doing better. Lauren and Andrew have adjusted to their new school. Gabe and Hannah have just started 2 mornings a week at the preschool that Lauren and Andrew attended when they were little. Mommy is going to a Ladies' Bible Study again and loving it. Daddy has started running again. Hannah is gaining English pretty rapidly, her tantrums are much less, and she is starting to settle into family life. Gabe is prone to repeat our new mantra, "We're a family and we love each other," although with him it sounds more like "we wub each udder." Well, we are learning how to wub each udder, but it is stretching us in ways we couldn't have comprehended before. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." We have begun to figure out that we are so incapable of this love apart from the indwelling love of Christ. We fail to love this way so often. Our whole family is learning how much we have to rely on the Holy Spirit to love through us. It is a hard lesson, but a good one to learn. I'm sure we'll be learning it for a long time.

I know everyone wants to see pictures. I hope these photos will encourage you how much just a little love (even our imperfect love) can do for a child. Hannah is so different from that screeching, scared, tantruming little one we were handed just a couple months ago. We know that only the perfect love and grace of Christ can cast out her fears, jealousy and insecurities that remain. We are confident He will do it in His time.

Our First Family Photo, Potty Time with 2 3-year-olds, and Hannah's First Airshow

The Difference between Seeing and Trusting

God is so merciful to me to bring me this trial and teach me through it. I can honestly say that I know that I needed it, and I do consider it joy that He loves me enough to refine me. I am constantly reminded these days of all God is doing in my life and in my family (as Michelle says, "in spite of me"). He has shown me His hand at work. I was so concerned for Lauren and Andrew being thrown into a new school in the midst of all the changes at home. Lauren has really had a struggle, but God is teaching her, too. The other morning, I saw her praying by herself before school. I always pray with them before school, and I have been praying that they would learn to call out to Jesus on their own. He allowed me to witness His answer with my own eyes. I also saw Andrew reading the children's Bible to Gabriel one night, all on his own. I saw Gabriel start to love Hannah and really reach out to her. I saw Hannah learn her own new name, claim it, say goodbye to "Shan Shan" and call us a family. I heard Eric speak deep words of wisdom about the true nature of God and how we don't really get it as American Christians sometimes - that somehow we are surprised by adversity from His hand instead of expecting it as Scripture tells us over and over. I have drawn closer to my mother and my sister in a very spiritual way. I have been humbled and overjoyed by the many ladies who have reached out to me and counseled me with the love of Christ. I have been convicted of my own self-reliance, pride, judgmental attitudes, weakness of faith, and God is using that to hone me and prune me.

I have seen all these blessings (and more) from the hand of God through this trial. Yet, I still have nervous mornings, bad days, and emotional breakdowns. (much better than in my darkest time, but not gone) My mom encouraged me to read Proverbs 3 the other day. Many of us can quote Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." As I said before, verses I have known since childhood take on much greater depth for me than ever before. I really started to wonder if I was really trusting God in all this. Sure, I could clearly see the hand of God at work. I believed that I was His child and that I would not be forsaken. Yet, did I really trust Him to be God? Did I really trust Him with my whole heart or just the part I was willing to let Him invade? I don't think I did really trust Him with my whole heart. I trusted Him for my eternal salvation and for many other things, but not everything. I was starting to see Him really working in spite of me, so I began to trust Him for my family; but I wasn't really trusting Him for me. I was still nervous, worried, upset, wondering if I would always be this way. Well, that's not trust. Trust says, "Yep, I might always be this way and that's OK if that's how you need me to be, because you are with me and you are working for my good and your glory. And yep, you might heal me but in your time. And yep, if you do choose to heal me, let me never go back to the way I was, but let me keep really trusting you." I realized that I needed to let go of the desire to get back to the old me. Truth be told - I really liked her. She was strong, independent, very capable, but many times she trusted in herself and not her God. I don't want to be her again. I want to be a woman who has learned how to really trust God for her strength, for her service, for her family, for her heart, for her worship. God is faithful and He will do it. I trust Him.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ..... Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice. (Psalm 51: 17, 8)

Walk in the Light

"Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." John 3:21 This verse spoke so powerfully to me yesterday. It was a bit of a down day emotionally - Eric thought I was heading back down the spiral again, but it was really quite a release. We both prayed and cried together, and afterward I read this verse in the Bible. Now that I can actually read again (I literally couldn't concentrate long enough to read even 1 verse in the Bible last week), verses that I have read so many times before speak louder and clearer than ever.
Whoever lives by the truth - not worries, not fears of what may be or might have been, not overwhelming waves of angst or despair, but the truth - Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life. The truth will set you free. Fasten on that belt of truth.... so you can stand.
comes into the light - Comes is an active verb, you have to move. Evil hangs around in darkness, nothing good comes in darkness, staying in the darkness doesn't befit a child of the Light, a daughter of the King. I need to keep walking into the light and stop lying down in the darkness.
so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God - Oh, wow. I have heard God say to me, "Do you trust me? I called you to this thing, do you believe that I am going to see it through? Do you believe that I love all your children because they are really my children? Do you believe that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose? Do you believe that pain can bring growth; do you want to grow? Do you really want to stay the same or do you want to become more like Christ? Are you going to trust me even when it is hard?"

I am feeling 2 distinct but very different ideas today: 1.) The battle is on, and I am in it. I have to fight this anxiety and depression with all that I have. I can't just lie down and let it claim me. Walk toward the light, call out to Jesus, believe that He is with me and working. 2.) Rest in God. My grace is sufficient for thee, my strength is made perfect in weakness. Recognize that I can do nothing without the power of God working in me. Hmmm. How can these 2 ideas co-exist? I think it is a bit like the whole Christian life. We are nothing without God's miraculous saving grace working in our lives. He is our very breath, our strength, our hope. Yet, He clearly gives us commands about what we are to do with the life, the strength that He supplies. We aren't to just float along, we are to engage in the battle. Well, I'm ready to engage.

God has showered me with His love through such blessed friends and family who have counseled me, listened to me, held me, served me. I am deeply moved by it all. I am actually thankful for all that God is revealing to me through this trial. I don't know if I could say that I wish it had never happened. It has been the hardest thing I have gone through yet, but I know I needed it to refine me. I also know that it is not over. The more I engage in the battle, the more the adversary will engage. Keep praying. I'll keep fighting, but this time with the strength that the Lord supplies.

The Long Journey Back

I haven't posted in a while. After that good day came several very bad days. It is hard to describe how mental illness (which is really what I have had) can turn your life upside down. I was so lost, so unsure of myself, so sad. I cried out to God and anyone that would listen. There were many moments that I wondered when or if God would rescue me. I continued to trust Him because He is the only thing worthy of my trust, but I was still clamoring for an answer, a deliverance. I felt like I was spiraling down, down, down. I'm not sure if the medicine would have worked if I had hung on longer, but I just couldn't bear it anymore. I stopped it. I questioned every decision; I could hardly think.

Then, Sunday afternoon I started to feel better. I felt more like myself. I decided to go to church on Sunday night since I was unable to make it that morning. Lauren and I went to evening service and participated in communion. As I was staring into the cup, it hit me like a load of bricks. This is the first time in my life I felt like I knew a bit of the fellowship of sharing in the suffering of Christ. (Phil 3:10) Oh, how immense was His suffering to adopt me. How agonizing his pain! How deep the loss! And yet my little suffering to adopt Hannah, which seems almost overwhelming to me, pales in comparison. Yet, I felt the fellowship of his suffering for the first time. I may have had trials in the past, but I never considered them like the suffering of Christ. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead." Christ's power saved me long ago, but I guess you have to go through this kind of suffering to glimpse the reality of the power of resurrection. I so needed to be raised again. I so desired healing and restoration.

That night I spoke to a friend at church who is a therapist. He gave me great comfort, but also recommended that I start Advil PM every night for 2 weeks since my sleep was so horrid. This was not meant to be the answer but just a stop-gap until I could get in to see a psychiatrist. I did, and I slept for the first time in weeks. Monday, I felt so much better. I was still nervous, but not panicky. There were a couple times during the day, I wondered if I was going back down, but I pressed on and made it through with no Xanax. I felt like a light was dawning. Maybe my deliverance was at hand. Today, Tuesday, I have also had a better day. I still am very nervous, but it is not the anxiety and craziness that I had been feeling. I sat down to write this blog post to get me through a rough patch. I find if I can talk it out, I start to feel better.

I have hope that I will get better. I can't say that I have felt that hope all along. I do feel a bit like I am in a battle for my mind, but I am finally starting to see some sense in it all. God is doing a huge work in my heart. He is emptying so many prideful, selfish thoughts and motives. I am stunned at how full of myself I was. When you are strong, you don't need anyone else to be strong. When I am weak, He is strong - I am really starting to grasp that. I am so blessed by so many who are praying for me and serving me. Please keep it up. God is using you to see me through.

A Good Day

Just a quick post to let everyone know that I had a good day. The new medicine that I'm on seems to be working. I'm nauseous in the morning and jittery all day (sounds like my bedrests during pregnancy) but I finally feel like I am in my right mind. And, no, I am not pregnant! Wouldn't that just be the kicker?! I can't even fathom it right now. My mother and grandfather arrived today to stay and help me for the next week. I have been held up by so many dear friends who are physically here helping through each day and those who are far away praying fervently for me. Thank you so much. I think I am seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.

The great thing about being in my right mind is that I am able to be more compassionate and loving towards Hannah. I am starting to see her in a new way, and I am so thankful that God is answering all these prayers of mine. Keep praying for all the kids. Each one of them has had their own personal struggles and act them out differently. I know that God will strengthen our family as a result of this journey. Just like building physical muscles, though, sometimes it hurts.

Ups and Downs

I can think enough to write tonight. That was not true this morning or for many mornings. I have learned that anxiety and depression can be very real and terrifying things. They make you not yourself. A blessed older couple in our church always call me "Miss Sunshine" because I am known for a smile and generally happy personality. I have not felt like her very much since I came home from China. Tonight I do - not sure about tomorrow morning.... But since I am feeling in my right mind for now, I thought I'd give some praise to the Lord for Hannah's progress. She is sleeping in her own bed through the night and at nap time. She loves to brush her teeth. She lets me sing individual lullabies to each of my children and smiles a great big smile when I get to her. This is pretty new since she was so jealous of any time my attention was focused on one of her siblings. There is still some jealousy to work through, but it is more manageable than it was. We have less rip-roaring tantrums than at the beginning and she is learning to come out of a lot of them herself (not all, but more than at first). This has taken a lot of firmness - putting her in her room until she says, "All Done" and gives me a hug. This isn't what the adoption books tell you to do, but it is what most good parents have learned. You can't give in to tantrums, adopted or not. She has started to be able to play with her brothers and sister away from me for short periods of time, especially if it is outside. She loves outside. She has a great throwing arm, but she is a bit clumsy. We think maybe she'll have a future in softball. She will sit still for a short story (sometimes with some coercion) but that is a huge improvement. She can name the parts of the face, some other body parts, count to 8 with help, say please, thank you, all done, juice, cup, shoes, brush teeth, potty, I love you, oh no, uh oh, and all our names. I love that she has started calling me Mommy instead of Mama. Actually, I call my own mom "Momma" and my kids go back and forth between "Mommy" and "Momma." The difference with Hannah is that Mama is what she was taught in China, and Mommy comes from being in our family. She accepts her Daddy and likes to play with him. She calls out for Lauren when Lauren is at school. She has let a few ladies from church take care of her without totally freaking out.

Isn't this just great for one month with us and just short of 3 weeks at home? Yes, it is. God is gracious. My own personal struggles are now less about Hannah and more about getting me back. I do think something got out of whack between the immense stress, jet lag, and that sickness that I had. I have sought medical help and am trying to work through it. It is very humbling, but I know that God is doing a work in me. It is just so hard when you are in the valley. This morning, I was feeling quite desperate, and now I feel pretty fine. Crazy, huh? At least I have moments of lucidity. Better yet, at least I have my Savior to lean on. Bible verses and worship songs have constantly run through my mind. Without my hope in the Lord, I cannot imagine going through this. Without the immense care of my Christian family, I would have already succumb. I will praise Him even in the midst of the trial for these things. Keep praying for us. He hears and answers.

The Family of God

This has been a dark week. For the first time in my life I think I am struggling with anxiety and depression - really. There are so many hours of the day that I am not me at all, and I can't find her. It got so bad that I called Sharon to come just be with me because I wasn't sure I could be alone with the kids. She came. She dropped everything and drove from PTC to my house and took care of my kids while I went to the doctor. Then both Aunt Linda and Aunt Donna split duty at our house for the rest of the week with a brief visit from Aunt Teresa. My mom, grandpa, and sister call daily to pray and cry with me. My friends from church call all the time to let me vent, and I received multiple cards and emails of encouragement. I even got a call from a sister in Christ who is a stranger to me but knows me through a blogging friend who called to share her past struggle in post-adoption depression with me.

I have never been so unable to get back to myself as I have been this past month, but I also have never experienced the hand of God through his people like I have recently. I am barely able to read the Bible, but I do. I am barely able to eat, but I am trying. I am barely able to pray, but I do. Today I sat in my van alone in the Bookland parking lot and just cried out my prayer out loud to God. I usually write my prayers or pray silenty in my heart, but this time, I just cried out loud to him. I know He heard me. I don't know when this storm will end, but I know He is in the boat with me and He will call out to the wind and waves when it is time. When I got home, I had many cards and emails waiting for me - all with scriptures. He hears and answers our cries. "Call to me and I will answer and show you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

The odd thing about it all is Hannah is making such great progress. Of course, there will be a long road of adjustment, language building, testing, learning how to be part of a family, but my psychological state has not tracked along with her progress. I know it is from God's hand, though. He is teaching this self-sufficient, in-control, get-it-done girl that I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him. If my mind stays sane, it is all because of Him. If Hannah attaches normally, it is all because of Him, because I have not done "all the right things" for her. I have had caregivers in and out because I have been unable to do it. Yet, her attachment to me seems to be normalizing. To God be the glory! We have decided to enroll Lauren and Andrew full time in Crosspointe Christian for this year instead of homeschooling. They were already going 1 day/week. Again, God is taking my tight control of their education away and teaching me to trust Him for it. This is a hard thing for me, but I know it is right for them now. They need stability, friends, and fun. I am unable to give them that now. I am sad about losing their constant presence, but I hope it won't be forever. Nevertheless, I see God's hand moving in it.

I know I will come out the other side of this trial stronger in Christ and weaker in my own self-sufficiency. It stinks going through it, though. Really. But I will trust in my Redeemer. I'll leave you with Isaiah 43:2-3 that Kathy sent to me today. Kathy, I cried when I read it. I received it right after my big parking lot prayer: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."