God is so merciful to me to bring me this trial and teach me through it. I can honestly say that I know that I needed it, and I do consider it joy that He loves me enough to refine me. I am constantly reminded these days of all God is doing in my life and in my family (as Michelle says, "in spite of me"). He has shown me His hand at work. I was so concerned for Lauren and Andrew being thrown into a new school in the midst of all the changes at home. Lauren has really had a struggle, but God is teaching her, too. The other morning, I saw her praying by herself before school. I always pray with them before school, and I have been praying that they would learn to call out to Jesus on their own. He allowed me to witness His answer with my own eyes. I also saw Andrew reading the children's Bible to Gabriel one night, all on his own. I saw Gabriel start to love Hannah and really reach out to her. I saw Hannah learn her own new name, claim it, say goodbye to "Shan Shan" and call us a family. I heard Eric speak deep words of wisdom about the true nature of God and how we don't really get it as American Christians sometimes - that somehow we are surprised by adversity from His hand instead of expecting it as Scripture tells us over and over. I have drawn closer to my mother and my sister in a very spiritual way. I have been humbled and overjoyed by the many ladies who have reached out to me and counseled me with the love of Christ. I have been convicted of my own self-reliance, pride, judgmental attitudes, weakness of faith, and God is using that to hone me and prune me.
I have seen all these blessings (and more) from the hand of God through this trial. Yet, I still have nervous mornings, bad days, and emotional breakdowns. (much better than in my darkest time, but not gone) My mom encouraged me to read Proverbs 3 the other day. Many of us can quote Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." As I said before, verses I have known since childhood take on much greater depth for me than ever before. I really started to wonder if I was really trusting God in all this. Sure, I could clearly see the hand of God at work. I believed that I was His child and that I would not be forsaken. Yet, did I really trust Him to be God? Did I really trust Him with my whole heart or just the part I was willing to let Him invade? I don't think I did really trust Him with my whole heart. I trusted Him for my eternal salvation and for many other things, but not everything. I was starting to see Him really working in spite of me, so I began to trust Him for my family; but I wasn't really trusting Him for me. I was still nervous, worried, upset, wondering if I would always be this way. Well, that's not trust. Trust says, "Yep, I might always be this way and that's OK if that's how you need me to be, because you are with me and you are working for my good and your glory. And yep, you might heal me but in your time. And yep, if you do choose to heal me, let me never go back to the way I was, but let me keep really trusting you." I realized that I needed to let go of the desire to get back to the old me. Truth be told - I really liked her. She was strong, independent, very capable, but many times she trusted in herself and not her God. I don't want to be her again. I want to be a woman who has learned how to really trust God for her strength, for her service, for her family, for her heart, for her worship. God is faithful and He will do it. I trust Him.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ..... Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice. (Psalm 51: 17, 8)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Walk in the Light
"Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." John 3:21 This verse spoke so powerfully to me yesterday. It was a bit of a down day emotionally - Eric thought I was heading back down the spiral again, but it was really quite a release. We both prayed and cried together, and afterward I read this verse in the Bible. Now that I can actually read again (I literally couldn't concentrate long enough to read even 1 verse in the Bible last week), verses that I have read so many times before speak louder and clearer than ever.
Whoever lives by the truth - not worries, not fears of what may be or might have been, not overwhelming waves of angst or despair, but the truth - Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life. The truth will set you free. Fasten on that belt of truth.... so you can stand.
comes into the light - Comes is an active verb, you have to move. Evil hangs around in darkness, nothing good comes in darkness, staying in the darkness doesn't befit a child of the Light, a daughter of the King. I need to keep walking into the light and stop lying down in the darkness.
so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God - Oh, wow. I have heard God say to me, "Do you trust me? I called you to this thing, do you believe that I am going to see it through? Do you believe that I love all your children because they are really my children? Do you believe that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose? Do you believe that pain can bring growth; do you want to grow? Do you really want to stay the same or do you want to become more like Christ? Are you going to trust me even when it is hard?"
I am feeling 2 distinct but very different ideas today: 1.) The battle is on, and I am in it. I have to fight this anxiety and depression with all that I have. I can't just lie down and let it claim me. Walk toward the light, call out to Jesus, believe that He is with me and working. 2.) Rest in God. My grace is sufficient for thee, my strength is made perfect in weakness. Recognize that I can do nothing without the power of God working in me. Hmmm. How can these 2 ideas co-exist? I think it is a bit like the whole Christian life. We are nothing without God's miraculous saving grace working in our lives. He is our very breath, our strength, our hope. Yet, He clearly gives us commands about what we are to do with the life, the strength that He supplies. We aren't to just float along, we are to engage in the battle. Well, I'm ready to engage.
God has showered me with His love through such blessed friends and family who have counseled me, listened to me, held me, served me. I am deeply moved by it all. I am actually thankful for all that God is revealing to me through this trial. I don't know if I could say that I wish it had never happened. It has been the hardest thing I have gone through yet, but I know I needed it to refine me. I also know that it is not over. The more I engage in the battle, the more the adversary will engage. Keep praying. I'll keep fighting, but this time with the strength that the Lord supplies.
Whoever lives by the truth - not worries, not fears of what may be or might have been, not overwhelming waves of angst or despair, but the truth - Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life. The truth will set you free. Fasten on that belt of truth.... so you can stand.
comes into the light - Comes is an active verb, you have to move. Evil hangs around in darkness, nothing good comes in darkness, staying in the darkness doesn't befit a child of the Light, a daughter of the King. I need to keep walking into the light and stop lying down in the darkness.
so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God - Oh, wow. I have heard God say to me, "Do you trust me? I called you to this thing, do you believe that I am going to see it through? Do you believe that I love all your children because they are really my children? Do you believe that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose? Do you believe that pain can bring growth; do you want to grow? Do you really want to stay the same or do you want to become more like Christ? Are you going to trust me even when it is hard?"
I am feeling 2 distinct but very different ideas today: 1.) The battle is on, and I am in it. I have to fight this anxiety and depression with all that I have. I can't just lie down and let it claim me. Walk toward the light, call out to Jesus, believe that He is with me and working. 2.) Rest in God. My grace is sufficient for thee, my strength is made perfect in weakness. Recognize that I can do nothing without the power of God working in me. Hmmm. How can these 2 ideas co-exist? I think it is a bit like the whole Christian life. We are nothing without God's miraculous saving grace working in our lives. He is our very breath, our strength, our hope. Yet, He clearly gives us commands about what we are to do with the life, the strength that He supplies. We aren't to just float along, we are to engage in the battle. Well, I'm ready to engage.
God has showered me with His love through such blessed friends and family who have counseled me, listened to me, held me, served me. I am deeply moved by it all. I am actually thankful for all that God is revealing to me through this trial. I don't know if I could say that I wish it had never happened. It has been the hardest thing I have gone through yet, but I know I needed it to refine me. I also know that it is not over. The more I engage in the battle, the more the adversary will engage. Keep praying. I'll keep fighting, but this time with the strength that the Lord supplies.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Long Journey Back
I haven't posted in a while. After that good day came several very bad days. It is hard to describe how mental illness (which is really what I have had) can turn your life upside down. I was so lost, so unsure of myself, so sad. I cried out to God and anyone that would listen. There were many moments that I wondered when or if God would rescue me. I continued to trust Him because He is the only thing worthy of my trust, but I was still clamoring for an answer, a deliverance. I felt like I was spiraling down, down, down. I'm not sure if the medicine would have worked if I had hung on longer, but I just couldn't bear it anymore. I stopped it. I questioned every decision; I could hardly think.
Then, Sunday afternoon I started to feel better. I felt more like myself. I decided to go to church on Sunday night since I was unable to make it that morning. Lauren and I went to evening service and participated in communion. As I was staring into the cup, it hit me like a load of bricks. This is the first time in my life I felt like I knew a bit of the fellowship of sharing in the suffering of Christ. (Phil 3:10) Oh, how immense was His suffering to adopt me. How agonizing his pain! How deep the loss! And yet my little suffering to adopt Hannah, which seems almost overwhelming to me, pales in comparison. Yet, I felt the fellowship of his suffering for the first time. I may have had trials in the past, but I never considered them like the suffering of Christ. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead." Christ's power saved me long ago, but I guess you have to go through this kind of suffering to glimpse the reality of the power of resurrection. I so needed to be raised again. I so desired healing and restoration.
That night I spoke to a friend at church who is a therapist. He gave me great comfort, but also recommended that I start Advil PM every night for 2 weeks since my sleep was so horrid. This was not meant to be the answer but just a stop-gap until I could get in to see a psychiatrist. I did, and I slept for the first time in weeks. Monday, I felt so much better. I was still nervous, but not panicky. There were a couple times during the day, I wondered if I was going back down, but I pressed on and made it through with no Xanax. I felt like a light was dawning. Maybe my deliverance was at hand. Today, Tuesday, I have also had a better day. I still am very nervous, but it is not the anxiety and craziness that I had been feeling. I sat down to write this blog post to get me through a rough patch. I find if I can talk it out, I start to feel better.
I have hope that I will get better. I can't say that I have felt that hope all along. I do feel a bit like I am in a battle for my mind, but I am finally starting to see some sense in it all. God is doing a huge work in my heart. He is emptying so many prideful, selfish thoughts and motives. I am stunned at how full of myself I was. When you are strong, you don't need anyone else to be strong. When I am weak, He is strong - I am really starting to grasp that. I am so blessed by so many who are praying for me and serving me. Please keep it up. God is using you to see me through.
Then, Sunday afternoon I started to feel better. I felt more like myself. I decided to go to church on Sunday night since I was unable to make it that morning. Lauren and I went to evening service and participated in communion. As I was staring into the cup, it hit me like a load of bricks. This is the first time in my life I felt like I knew a bit of the fellowship of sharing in the suffering of Christ. (Phil 3:10) Oh, how immense was His suffering to adopt me. How agonizing his pain! How deep the loss! And yet my little suffering to adopt Hannah, which seems almost overwhelming to me, pales in comparison. Yet, I felt the fellowship of his suffering for the first time. I may have had trials in the past, but I never considered them like the suffering of Christ. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead." Christ's power saved me long ago, but I guess you have to go through this kind of suffering to glimpse the reality of the power of resurrection. I so needed to be raised again. I so desired healing and restoration.
That night I spoke to a friend at church who is a therapist. He gave me great comfort, but also recommended that I start Advil PM every night for 2 weeks since my sleep was so horrid. This was not meant to be the answer but just a stop-gap until I could get in to see a psychiatrist. I did, and I slept for the first time in weeks. Monday, I felt so much better. I was still nervous, but not panicky. There were a couple times during the day, I wondered if I was going back down, but I pressed on and made it through with no Xanax. I felt like a light was dawning. Maybe my deliverance was at hand. Today, Tuesday, I have also had a better day. I still am very nervous, but it is not the anxiety and craziness that I had been feeling. I sat down to write this blog post to get me through a rough patch. I find if I can talk it out, I start to feel better.
I have hope that I will get better. I can't say that I have felt that hope all along. I do feel a bit like I am in a battle for my mind, but I am finally starting to see some sense in it all. God is doing a huge work in my heart. He is emptying so many prideful, selfish thoughts and motives. I am stunned at how full of myself I was. When you are strong, you don't need anyone else to be strong. When I am weak, He is strong - I am really starting to grasp that. I am so blessed by so many who are praying for me and serving me. Please keep it up. God is using you to see me through.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A Good Day
Just a quick post to let everyone know that I had a good day. The new medicine that I'm on seems to be working. I'm nauseous in the morning and jittery all day (sounds like my bedrests during pregnancy) but I finally feel like I am in my right mind. And, no, I am not pregnant! Wouldn't that just be the kicker?! I can't even fathom it right now. My mother and grandfather arrived today to stay and help me for the next week. I have been held up by so many dear friends who are physically here helping through each day and those who are far away praying fervently for me. Thank you so much. I think I am seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.
The great thing about being in my right mind is that I am able to be more compassionate and loving towards Hannah. I am starting to see her in a new way, and I am so thankful that God is answering all these prayers of mine. Keep praying for all the kids. Each one of them has had their own personal struggles and act them out differently. I know that God will strengthen our family as a result of this journey. Just like building physical muscles, though, sometimes it hurts.
The great thing about being in my right mind is that I am able to be more compassionate and loving towards Hannah. I am starting to see her in a new way, and I am so thankful that God is answering all these prayers of mine. Keep praying for all the kids. Each one of them has had their own personal struggles and act them out differently. I know that God will strengthen our family as a result of this journey. Just like building physical muscles, though, sometimes it hurts.
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