Ups and Downs

I can think enough to write tonight. That was not true this morning or for many mornings. I have learned that anxiety and depression can be very real and terrifying things. They make you not yourself. A blessed older couple in our church always call me "Miss Sunshine" because I am known for a smile and generally happy personality. I have not felt like her very much since I came home from China. Tonight I do - not sure about tomorrow morning.... But since I am feeling in my right mind for now, I thought I'd give some praise to the Lord for Hannah's progress. She is sleeping in her own bed through the night and at nap time. She loves to brush her teeth. She lets me sing individual lullabies to each of my children and smiles a great big smile when I get to her. This is pretty new since she was so jealous of any time my attention was focused on one of her siblings. There is still some jealousy to work through, but it is more manageable than it was. We have less rip-roaring tantrums than at the beginning and she is learning to come out of a lot of them herself (not all, but more than at first). This has taken a lot of firmness - putting her in her room until she says, "All Done" and gives me a hug. This isn't what the adoption books tell you to do, but it is what most good parents have learned. You can't give in to tantrums, adopted or not. She has started to be able to play with her brothers and sister away from me for short periods of time, especially if it is outside. She loves outside. She has a great throwing arm, but she is a bit clumsy. We think maybe she'll have a future in softball. She will sit still for a short story (sometimes with some coercion) but that is a huge improvement. She can name the parts of the face, some other body parts, count to 8 with help, say please, thank you, all done, juice, cup, shoes, brush teeth, potty, I love you, oh no, uh oh, and all our names. I love that she has started calling me Mommy instead of Mama. Actually, I call my own mom "Momma" and my kids go back and forth between "Mommy" and "Momma." The difference with Hannah is that Mama is what she was taught in China, and Mommy comes from being in our family. She accepts her Daddy and likes to play with him. She calls out for Lauren when Lauren is at school. She has let a few ladies from church take care of her without totally freaking out.

Isn't this just great for one month with us and just short of 3 weeks at home? Yes, it is. God is gracious. My own personal struggles are now less about Hannah and more about getting me back. I do think something got out of whack between the immense stress, jet lag, and that sickness that I had. I have sought medical help and am trying to work through it. It is very humbling, but I know that God is doing a work in me. It is just so hard when you are in the valley. This morning, I was feeling quite desperate, and now I feel pretty fine. Crazy, huh? At least I have moments of lucidity. Better yet, at least I have my Savior to lean on. Bible verses and worship songs have constantly run through my mind. Without my hope in the Lord, I cannot imagine going through this. Without the immense care of my Christian family, I would have already succumb. I will praise Him even in the midst of the trial for these things. Keep praying for us. He hears and answers.

The Family of God

This has been a dark week. For the first time in my life I think I am struggling with anxiety and depression - really. There are so many hours of the day that I am not me at all, and I can't find her. It got so bad that I called Sharon to come just be with me because I wasn't sure I could be alone with the kids. She came. She dropped everything and drove from PTC to my house and took care of my kids while I went to the doctor. Then both Aunt Linda and Aunt Donna split duty at our house for the rest of the week with a brief visit from Aunt Teresa. My mom, grandpa, and sister call daily to pray and cry with me. My friends from church call all the time to let me vent, and I received multiple cards and emails of encouragement. I even got a call from a sister in Christ who is a stranger to me but knows me through a blogging friend who called to share her past struggle in post-adoption depression with me.

I have never been so unable to get back to myself as I have been this past month, but I also have never experienced the hand of God through his people like I have recently. I am barely able to read the Bible, but I do. I am barely able to eat, but I am trying. I am barely able to pray, but I do. Today I sat in my van alone in the Bookland parking lot and just cried out my prayer out loud to God. I usually write my prayers or pray silenty in my heart, but this time, I just cried out loud to him. I know He heard me. I don't know when this storm will end, but I know He is in the boat with me and He will call out to the wind and waves when it is time. When I got home, I had many cards and emails waiting for me - all with scriptures. He hears and answers our cries. "Call to me and I will answer and show you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

The odd thing about it all is Hannah is making such great progress. Of course, there will be a long road of adjustment, language building, testing, learning how to be part of a family, but my psychological state has not tracked along with her progress. I know it is from God's hand, though. He is teaching this self-sufficient, in-control, get-it-done girl that I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him. If my mind stays sane, it is all because of Him. If Hannah attaches normally, it is all because of Him, because I have not done "all the right things" for her. I have had caregivers in and out because I have been unable to do it. Yet, her attachment to me seems to be normalizing. To God be the glory! We have decided to enroll Lauren and Andrew full time in Crosspointe Christian for this year instead of homeschooling. They were already going 1 day/week. Again, God is taking my tight control of their education away and teaching me to trust Him for it. This is a hard thing for me, but I know it is right for them now. They need stability, friends, and fun. I am unable to give them that now. I am sad about losing their constant presence, but I hope it won't be forever. Nevertheless, I see God's hand moving in it.

I know I will come out the other side of this trial stronger in Christ and weaker in my own self-sufficiency. It stinks going through it, though. Really. But I will trust in my Redeemer. I'll leave you with Isaiah 43:2-3 that Kathy sent to me today. Kathy, I cried when I read it. I received it right after my big parking lot prayer: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

A little crazy

Do you ever feel like you're going crazy? I do. I should be relieved that Hannah is making slow but real progress in our family, but instead I am sad, anxious and stressed. She is starting to play with her siblings and able to walk away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually played outside with the kids while I put dinner together the other night. That is huge. I should be ecstatic, but I'm sort of numb. I know in my mind that I should be thankful for these little blessings, but my heart isn't on board. The tantrums, the control issues, and constantly being vigilant to give love to each child has made me exhausted. I am glad that a few others have written of similar feelings on their blogs and emails so I know that I'm not completely alone.

There is a lot of focus on the grief of the adopted child. We must make sure that she can grieve in safety and security with us. I think maybe I am grieving, too. I am grieving the loss of our family as I knew it, the unmet expectations of how things would be with Hannah, the loss of our family balance. We are trying to find the new normal, and I don't think we are there yet. I know I need to give it more time - we've only been home a little more than a week.

We did go to church today as a family and God answered our prayers that Hannah wouldn't be too overwhelmed and that she wouldn't throw a tantrum in church. She did quite well actually with Eric in Sunday School, the family in the worship service, and with me during Preschool Praise. Everyone probably wonders what in the world I am complaining about. I wonder that, too, but I live with a whimpering child on my leg for the majority of the day.

I remember reading a blog of an adoptive parent who was so negative and complained in every post. I thought to myself, "What is up with this woman? She finally has the child she waited so long for and she can't even enjoy her." I understand her now. One thing this all has taught me is to never judge someone else. You can never know how it is to be in their shoes. I don't want to be a complainer, though, so I am going to try to have faith that God will redeem this time, that He will redeem her heart, that He will bring us all peace. During our Sunday School lesson today, I was struck by hearing about Jesus meeting with his disciples after his resurrection and saying, "Peace be with you. My peace I give you." I started to cry. That is what I need- his peace - that peace that transcends all understanding. I will present my requests to God, with thanksgiving, and He will grant me peace.

Settling in

Today was our best day yet. Hannah started to explore our house away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually went down the stairs without me. She still gets very anxious and cries if I walk away, even across the room, but at least she is starting to try to explore on her own. We are all saying "Mommy always comes back" every time I walk away or around the corner. It may take a while but I am hopeful she'll have peace. This is our biggest prayer right now: that Hannah will know peace. Please join us in this prayer.

We are going to try to go out to Chick Fil A for dinner to practice eating out as a family. We ate out the entire time we were in GZ, but she was pretty anxious a lot of the time. She has been doing better at our family meals and even learning to wait for the prayer (with much reminding, of course). Tonight we are venturing out. We all need to get out, and Chick Fil A is pretty forgiving if it doesn't go well:-)

Gotta go. I'll post more tomorrow.

Pictures, finally Part 3

Home with our little warriors
Learning how to paint with watercolors - a favorite activity in our school room

Pictures, finally Part 2

Finally on US Soil - Hannah is officially a US citizen
Never enjoyed Starbucks so much in my life as I did while we were in China
Hannah is happy that we are checking out, too
Boarding the train to Hong Kong
A little bit of attitude - well, a lot

Pictures, finally Part 1

Scenic Guangzhou
The Red Couch Photo
Our Travel Group
The Dragon Boat Ride
Consulate Oath Day

Coming out of the fog

Today I finally feel like I'm coming out of the fog. I don't have a fever anymore and I am able to stay awake all day. Poor Andrew has caught the fever bug, though, so keep him in your prayers. All in all, today has been a good day. Hannah has been a little better at not clinging to me. This afternoon, we actually went to a little park playground near our house and got her to start playing with Lauren, Andrew and Gabe and not me!!! She would check in from time to time, but it was such a relief to see her playing without me. I do confess that I was in a bad mood all morning, though. I read this morning about the shield of faith to extinguish the fiery darts of the evil one. Well, I didn't use it very well this morning and gave in to a feeling of anger and frustration. Thankfully, our God is gracious and He still showed me favor.

I realized something, too. I haven't been able to be with or gab with my girlfriends in weeks. I am a very social person and I love my girlfriends. This isolation has taken just as big a toll on me as everything else. I spent almost an hour on the phone with my friend, Jen, this afternoon, and I felt MUCH better. I really need my friends. Today made me realize that. We are going to start getting out. I love you, girls, and I miss you. I also realized that I have to just start trying to get life back to normal. I am a do-er, so when I am not doing, I start feeling really lost. Hannah is going to have to learn what life is really like in our house, so she might as well start now. I think we're going to do a little bit of school on Thursday:-) Let's hope we're all still sane by the end of the week.

Beauty from Ashes

My dear friend, Melissa, used this phrase to describe my day today. I have had a fever, chills and cough since we have been home. I feel awful with jetlag and a clingy Hannah only compounding the illness. Last night I finally gave up trying to be the good adoptive mom and asked Eric to just deal with everything so I could go to bed early. I woke up long enough to get Hannah to sleep. We slept from 8:30 - 3:00 a.m. and again from 5:00 - 7:00. That is our best night yet. I still felt dreadful this morning, so I just got a shower and went to bed again. By the time I got up Hannah was happy playing with Eric and the kids. She was less clingy to me but still happy to be with me. At nap time she had a big sleeping terror ending in a huge cry. I can't hold her during the terror, she is too crazy, but I did hold her during the cry. Suddenly, she just snapped out of it, said Hello, got up and went to play. She has been happy and helpful all afternoon. We are working hard at mitigating sibling jealousy by holding 2 at a time, so I'm still pretty tired, but it was a much better day. The verse I mentioned, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness," really came to pass for me today. I was out of steam and He brought about a pleasant day.

Hannah surprises us with her English already. We know that they spoke no English to her in the orphanage. We even needed a translator the day we met the nanny and director. However, she is very quick about following directions, "Put it back, take it to the trash, let's go potty, wash your hands, etc." She has also started counting 1-5 with 3 always left out, singing the Clean Up song, saying I Love You, Hello, Up, Please, Shoes, Crayons, Mama, Baba. For being with us only 2 weeks and given the fact that she didn't speak a word for the first several days with us, we are amazed. Thank the Lord for His blessings.

I know everyone wants to see pictures, so I'll try to get some posted tomorrow. We have just been barely coping so far. I think things are turning around, but please keep praying.

Harder than I thought

This is so much harder than I ever imagined, it is difficult to put it into words. Writing about it, though, brings me great release, so I hope you'll endure my ramblings, knowing it is helping me get it off my chest. There are some feelings that we are having that are too difficult to even write. I know that someday Hannah may read these posts, so I want only what will encourage her in her faith to be written. But know this, there is such a deep torrent of emotion swirling within me, it is hard to contain at times. You know how Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, etc. I definitely feel that. I also feel that God breathed some words into my own pen (not at all presuming to be Scripture, but still inspired by God) for my own instruction at this crucial hour. If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember my post in April - Reflections on Adoption. I think God inspired me to write it so that I might read it again now. It is one thing to write about the wonder of God's choosing to love us who are so unlovable on the waiting side of adoption; it is quite another on the living side of adoption. The reality of loving a child who doesn't love back, who fights back at times, who doesn't communicate in the way we want is so difficult. I can praise my God so much more that He loves me. It is, indeed, a divine gift - to love. I am praying for it all the time.

Struggling with doubts and my own selfish heart makes me realize the truth of Paul's words,"Fight the good fight of faith." It is a fight. Eric was reminding me tonight that the devil is using every doubt, every uncertainty, every regret to get my mind off of Christ Jesus. I must fight back with scripture, with thanksgiving, with thoughts of hope. His power is made perfect in weakness. We are thankful today that Hannah rode in the car seat to get a pizza and only cried for 3 minutes. We took the whole family, strapping everyone in, and think that helped. We are thankful that Hannah finally likes brushing her teeth. In China, we couldn't even get her mouth open to brush until almost the end of our trip and it was a battle. After 2 days of watching Lauren, Andrew, and Gabe brush, Hannah decided that she likes brushing her teeth and will let me help her. We are thankful that she started using the little potty today with many successes. We still have a long way to go with fear, trust, jealousy, but it is good to focus on our blessings. I know many of you are praying for us - we can feel it and please keep it up, for our God answers the prayers of his people.

Finally Home

We made it. We're finally home. We got here last night around 7:30 (we were able to catch an earlier flight from Newark to Atlanta), so the kids were awake when we got here. We had a wonderful reunion. Hannah did quite well meeting her brothers and sisters - not so well with the carseat and Bailey dog. She cried the entire way from the airport to our house because of the carseat. I guess we'll be taking lots of practice drives to get her used to it. She does freak out whenever Bailey walks by. We continue to hold her and stroke Bailey and say how nice he is, etc. Poor Bailey... He's been outside a lot today.

Good news: She has not thrown a fit since we've been home, though. I was sure that seeing Mommy love on the others would do it. She started, but I always held her and showed her that I can love more than one person at a time. She still gets jealous, but that will just take time. We've had a good day at home, although we're very tired and I think I'm getting sick. I am so ready to be able to sleep in my own bed, but that may have to wait a while. I am still having to sleep with Hannah in her bed until she falls asleep. Then I move to a blow-up mattress on the floor next to her. Pray that she will adjust to sleeping in her own bed soon so I can sleep in mine:-)

We are so thankful to God that He brought us safely home, that Hannah did not reject her brothers and sister, that the aunts seemed to be in good spirits after the long time of caring for the kids, that Hannah did not completely shut down when she got to our house, that God is giving us strength for the day. One day at a time. We're too tired to post any pics today, maybe tomorrow.

So glad to be back home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost Home

A feeling of jubilation overwhelmed Eric and me today.  We are packing to go home!  We head out for Hong Kong on tomorrow evening, and back to the US on Thursday.  We are positively exuberant!  We had no idea how much we could miss Lauren, Andrew and Gabe.  We had no idea how difficult this journey would be.  It was so emotionally charged.  In some ways it reminds me of those first few days after giving birth to your first child – exhaustion, uncertainty, doubts, emotions run amok.  I guess since this is our fourth child we thought we would be better prepared for all that.  It is awesome, though, how God has carried us through this whole time.  I heard him speaking to me so clearly in the few scriptures I was able to read while Hannah was sleeping.  I heard his Word speaking to me in the midst of my fears.  I heard him say, “I am with you.  This will strengthen your faith.  You can’t think or plan this thing through; you need me for your every breath, thought, action.”  And this is just the beginning.  I know this road will be harder than I thought, but I also know that God is using it to grow me in faith.

 

Right now, Eric is on the Pearl River cruise.  Being seasick in the heat with the very real potential of a temper tantrum by Hannah just didn’t appeal to me.  As with a lot on this trip, Eric will take plenty of photos, so I can see what it was like.  I did get a massage today, though.  It was called a “90 minute foot massage” but she did almost every part of my body.  It was heavenly.  I just relaxed in the silence.  The best part is that it cost only about 11 US dollars.  Can you believe it?  90 minutes - $11.  I really needed it.

 

Hannah has had a good day.  Good times with Dad again while I went out.  Lots of speaking in Chinese and singing in Chinese.  A few good bonding cradles.  Peekaboo and exploring.  It gives me hope.  Sleep is still a challenge with some screaming before sleeping.  This may be our biggest battleground.  I keep reminding myself that our sweet Lauren used to cry for an hour before napping when she was a baby.  I kept a journal, of course, so I remember.  She ended up being our best sleeper.

 

We took the famous red couch photos today and I’m sure Eric will have a bunch from the cruise.  Hopefully, we’ll post some photos tomorrow before we check out.

One week with Hannah

I am very tired, but we had a good day today.  I was even able to get out by myself for a little while today.  This is the first time I have been separated from Hannah since we got her a week ago.  We were hoping that it would help her to see that I will come back and it would force some time alone with Daddy.  This proved to be true.  She cried for the first 3 minutes that I was gone and then started playing with Eric for the rest of the time.  She is much more willing to give him hugs and to accept kisses from him since this time together.  We are going to do it again tomorrow for a short time.

 

She officially passed her TB test – Praise the Lord.  She is the only one in our small group who didn’t need a chest Xray.  God is good.  Tomorrow is the Visa appointment.  We don’t actually attend, but our agency represents us at the Consulate.  Pray that all the paperwork is in order.  We are eager to get home.

 

There are still daily hurdles because of the language barrier.  I’m sure she gets frustrated as do we.  However, she said “crayon” today.  I hope she will be a quick study.  I had two times today when Hannah reclined in my arms as I cradled her and gave me good eye contact as I sang to her.  This is very encouraging.

 

Well, this is a short post, because I am really tired.  It was a good day, but the length of the trip, the emotional expenditure, and the physical carrying is taking its toll.  I can only imagine what I will feel like when we hit the infamous jet lag days at home…… BUT AT LEAST WE’LL BE HOME!!!!  I can’t wait.

Hope

God has met us at our point of need again.  We had no tantrums today – a few times of whimpering where I held her until it was over.  She is doing very well using her baby signs of “please” and “more” so that has really helped.  Last night as I went to bed with her, I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I was overwhelmed with fears and worries, so I laid them before the Lord and asked Him to give me faith.  This morning He led me to Isaiah 41.  He spoke words of comfort and peace to me through it.  “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off.  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand…..When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them.  I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys.  I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.  I will put in the wilderness the cedar, the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.  I will set in the desert the cypress, the plane and the pine together, that they may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the LORD has done this, the Holy One of Israel has created it.”

 

God has given me hope in this wilderness.  I feel his hand at work.  We met for lunch with a lovely Christian here that helped us before our trip with our Cantonese.  She was such a testimony to God’s grace.  Her words of encouragement were from the Spirit.  She said, “Jesus has to heal her heart.  You can do your best to parent her, but without Jesus, it will never be the same.”  It is so true.  We can and should do our best to care for her, but we must trust the God is in control of this entire journey.  He will heal her heart.  He will teach her to love.  He will show Himself to her.

 

New discoveries today:  She can fold clothes.  I don’t know whether to be happy or sad about that.  She picked up my nightshirt from our pile of clothes to launder, laid it on the floor and folded it quite well.  I guess I’ll have another little laundry helper, but how sad that she already knows how to do that at barely 3.  She also started to mimic a few English words:  uh oh, hello, bye bye, ball.  She has not yet said Mama, Mommy, Baba, or Daddy, but we know that will come in time.

 

We get her TB test read in the morning, but there is absolutely no sign of reaction.  Praise the Lord.  Many of you know that was a big concern of ours.  God has been merciful again.  We feel hope that the end of our trip is getting closer.  Just a few more days until we’ll be home.  Oh, I’m not sure I’ll ever want to leave home again!

Two steps forward, one step back

Eric was just waiting for us to be able to use this title, and it happened today.  Many meltdowns.  Much testing.  We continued to hold her and speak kindly to her.  We are both tired because we are spending all our attention and energy trying to bond and build trust.  It is pretty exhausting.  Eric was telling me tonight that he thinks God is trying to increase our ability to show mercy.  Neither one of us score very high in that area.  This will be quite the school for that.

 

Today we went to the Chen Clan Academy.  It used to be a big house but is now a museum.  We saw (or Eric saw, Tif stayed near Hannah) intricate ivory and wood carvings, detailed embroidery that looked like paintings, old furniture including a bed with porcelain pillows.  It seems like I’d always be in a bad mood if I slept on that bed.  Hannah had a big meltdown while we were there.  I have posted a pic of the beginning of the meltdown but it got worse from there.  Sometimes it is obvious what started the meltdown, but other times we are not sure.  I think, as in all tantrums, it is a control issue, but this time she is not sure she can trust us to relinquish her control.  I am hoping that as we remain consistent and she learns to trust us, these fits will ease.  It is very much like what a younger toddler would do except with the force of a 3 year old.  I was also thinking that toddler tantrums can be partially caused by a lack of ability to communicate which Hannah is also experiencing.  We are trying to teach some baby signs to give her some way of communicating until her English gets better.

 

We are counting the days and moments until we get home.  This is a very long time to be away from our children and our life.  It is not like a relaxing vacation where you can just veg out with a book.  I brought a few books but haven’t even cracked them.  We are playing, talking, holding all the time.  I really need a Star Trek!!  It is not all bad.  Hannah has warmed up so much since the first day.  She is a smart little girl. She really needs to see the model of family life from Lauren, Andrew and Gabriel.  I know that will only help.  May God heal her broken heart even now.

Other pics

Not sure if I’ll get the order right, but here are brief descriptions of these pics:

 

Hannah with her new doll

Mom holding Hannah in the street during one of her tantrums

The market across the river – bunches of dried snakes – eew!

How Mom got Hannah to take her first nap – now we can lie down in bed

Wedding models everywhere – There is a big photography studio near our hotel, and there are models taking pictures every day, all the time.  Kind of funny.

Hannah and Daddy pics

 

Half way there

Well, today marked the half way point in our journey.  I am so ready to get home and hold ALL of my children.  Lauren, Andrew, and Gabriel, we miss you VERY MUCH.  We had the visa medical exam today, and Hannah did very well considering.  Of course, she wailed when she got her 5 shots and PPD skin test, but who wouldn’t?  She quickly calmed down with some M&Ms and was back to normal with us.  This is such an answer to our prayers.  I was hoping that holding her down for the shots wouldn’t harm our fragile relationship, and it seems that it hasn’t.  We have to wait until Monday morning our time to get the results of the TB skin test.  Pray that it is negative so we can be done with the medical portion of our visit.

 

Now that Hannah is more comfortable with us, we are seeing more of the behaviors that others have experienced.  Pushing buttons, playing here and there with many things but not fully playing with any one thing, testing our commitment to her by walking away and then looking back to see if we’ll come.  This last part is actually encouraging because she is looking back, but it has become a bit of a game and grows tiresome quickly.  However, she does respond to “go lai ah” which is Cantonese for “come here.”  She laughs as if she was waiting for me to say it.

 

Another new discovery is that she may yet like dolls.  The nanny told us that she didn’t like dolls, and indeed, she didn’t play with the 2 that I brought.  However, we were in a store today when she saw a little Chinese doll with another baby doll on its back.  She held it and carried it around the store.  Yep, you know it, I would have paid whatever they asked for that doll.  Fortunately, it wasn’t expensive.  Maybe she just wanted a doll that looked like her.

 

She is doing better with Eric.  She still has a fickle relationship with him, but she does love to play with him.  Eric is always the fun one at home, too.  He is still a boy at heart and he is a good playmate.  Today they were batting around the beach ball that the Thompsons sent along with us (Thanks).  She has quite the overhand volley.  Maybe she’ll be a sporty girl.

 

Sleeping has gotten a lot better.  I have to go down with her and let her lie completely on top of me, but she does fall asleep without too much struggle.  For a while when we get home, I might get more sleep than I need but get nothing else done around the house.  Hmmm, does that mean I need a house keeper? J

 

We feel your prayers continually.  It is evident that God’s hand is working through all of this.  Praise Him for His kindness and grace.

Amazing postscript to today's post

Just a quick PS on my previous post.  We went to bed around 8:00 p.m.  I took Hannah in to bed with me, she wrapped her arms around my neck and fell asleep across my body in minutes.  Not a wimper, not a peep.  I just wriggled out from underneath her to write this little note.  Eric whispered, “Amazing,” as she was falling asleep.  I had been praying that Jesus would drive out the fear in her heart.  Perfect love casts out all fear.  He is doing a work in her already.

 

Pray for us.  Tomorrow is Hannah’s Visa medical exam.  It will not be fun.  She has to get several shots and the TB skin test.  Pray that we will not lose ground with her due to this stressful day.  Also pray that her skin test ends up negative.  Otherwise, she will need a chest x ray later in our trip to rule out TB.  Many of you know what a big deal the TB testing has turned into with a couple of families having to leave their newly adopted children in China for TB treatment.  Oh, I pray that is not in our future, but we trust that God is working in all things.

 

Good night – back to bedJ

Better each day

We are starting to see a little more of the real Hannah.  She is a happy girl who loves to “read”, play, and color.  Her coloring is pretty surprising for a new 3 year old.  She holds the crayon correctly and tries to color inside the lines.  Of course, she can’t really do it yet, but it isn’t just the random scribbling that you would expect.  She also draws parallel lines.  How funny!  Our little ones tend to draw circles first.  She loves to give us things in the room – cookies, books, brushes, our shoes, our clothes, etc.  She is also quite the princess, as our Chinese guide calls her.  She probably hasn’t had boundaries as she was the oldest and favorite girl of the baby orphanage.  When we set boundaries, she fights and fights until she finally resigns.  It is easy for us to tell when she is crying out of fear and grief and when she is just throwing a tantrum.  The fearful cry is much different, and there is no kicking and bucking.  It is more of a low wimpering cry.  The tantrum is just like the classic 14-month-old tantrum that we have witnessed so many times before.  I told Hannah that she picked the wrong mom to fight – I’ve been there, done that.  We’re winning little battles all the time.  Once the battle is won, she is compliant and fun and happy.

 

Last night, she did not want to go to sleep again.  I decided to just sit holding her on her little mattress while she wailed away.  I’m sure the other hotel guests think we’re killing her.  Her screams are ear piercing.  I’ll probably have hearing damage by the time this is all over.  After an hour of screaming mixed with periods of calm, she let me put her head down on my shoulder in bed with me.  That in itself was a miracle as we hadn’t seen her lie down flat yet.  Within minutes she was asleep.  She slept the entire night.  Praise God! Sleep makes everything more bearable.

 

Today we played a lot together in the room.  She is great when it is just the 3 of us.  She has learned to accept our room as “home” and recognizes the hotel lobby with a smile when we come in.  We went out to explore a local market off the island.  As soon as we got there, she started to panic.  This was not the tantrum cry, but the fearful cry.  We’re not sure if it was just overwhelming to her or if she was scared of all the Chinese faces that reminded her of the orphanage.  Whatever it was, she would not let go of me and we didn’t get to explore for too long.  It was HOT and HUMID and not fun carrying a scared 3 year-old everywhere.  We decided to just go back to our hotel – the Victory.  It was much better.  We did have afternoon tea (a big meal, actually) with our adoption group at the White Swan.  That was fun.  She did very well.  She stayed in the stroller the whole way there without making a fuss.  She walked and held my hand while we shopped on the island afterwards.  That was the result of an earlier battle in the middle of the sidewalk where she did not want to walk and threw a big fit in the middle of everyone.  I just stopped, knelt down to her level, held her, and waited until she stopped screeching.  It is very hard to do that here.  It seems like the local folks are unaccustomed to such discipline.  Oh well, I’m pretty hard-headed, you know.  Anyway, I won that battle and she walked holding my hand later in the day.  Nap time was another challenge that resulted in Hannah taking a nap.  Doesn’t this sound like I am such a meanie?  I know.  But we are really seeing fruit.  She is loving and smiling and helpful and starting to like us.  She just has a stubborn streak that is going to test limits.  She’ll be a typical McBryde after all.

 

Right now she is singing something in Chinese as she is coloring. To think that just 72 hours ago she was so scared and sad that she couldn’t talk or sleep is a testimony of God’s grace in this journey.

More Pictures

If this works, it will be pics of us playing at a park together on the island and Hannah brushing my hair.  She likes to have her hair brushed so we brush each others’ to help build that bond.  If only we could get her to like brushing her teeth….

Pictures

I hope we have figured out how to get our pictures to the blog without seeing it, but if they are messed up, someone please email me.  Hopefully, this post will contain pictures of our first meeting with Hannah, how she calmed down and actually smiled by dinner that night, the next day at the finalization of her adoption.  More in the next post….

Breakthrough

I think we just had a little breakthrough with Hannah.  We were coming home from our passport and visa photo appointments and she did not want to be in the stroller.  My back and arms were killing me and she still didn’t want Eric to hold her.  I just stood firm talking gently to her, holding her hand while we strolled, but not letting her out of the stroller.  She was pitching a royal fit, kicking, screaming.  The Chinese people were all looking at us as though I should give in and let her out.  I was questioning myself the whole time.  If this were Lauren, Andrew or Gabe, no problem, pitching a fit does not get you your way.  However, all the adoption books say not to do this.  From some advice from another adoptive parent, I decided to just trust my instincts.  We made it back to the room with her still crying.  I got her out, held her, but spoke a bit more firmly that she can’t act that way (I know she couldn’t understand my words, but I think she understood the meaning.)  We changed her diaper, washed her hands, sat down and calmed down.  Eric got out the blocks hoping to engage her.  She played with him and spoke her first words since we have had her.  She talked and talked.  She has been giving us cookies, playing with both of us, smiling and talking a lot.  Could we have won a little battle?  I pray so.  For now, Eric is almost in tears that she is accepting him and playing with him. Praise the Lord.

 

Last night was a bit better – we got chunks of sleep.  She still cannot put herself to sleep.  We have to hold her and type on the computer before she falls asleep.  For her nap today, Eric built me a pillow throne on the couch and she fell asleep on my lap for 1 ½ hours.  She actually falls asleep sitting up, crouching over forward.  I don’t know how she breathes.  If I move her she wakes.  Finally I can push her back on my chest.  I have a feeling she slept sitting up in her crib a lot in the orphanage.  We may have a long road of sleep issues ahead.  In some ways she is like a newborn.  We slept many nights with Lauren, Andrew and Gabe on Eric’s chest in the lazyboy when they were infants.  We had to do sleep training when they were ready and it didn’t happen overnight.  I think I have to think about it this way.  No one has ever taught her anything….  How sad.  I can’t dwell on it or I’ll get all teary again.  A little more on that: she was scared of a butterfly yesterday at the park.  She was scared of the koi in the pond at the White Swan Hotel.  We can only imagine how she react to our Bailey dog…

 

Right now she and Eric are wandering out in the halls at her request.  Eric has a new friend.  We are so happy.  We know there may be setbacks, but let’s be thankful for the blessings as they come.

 

 

Day 2

Things were a little better today.  Throughout the day Hannah got more comfortable with being with us and being in our room.  She started to play with some of the toys we brought her.  She would allow Eric to play blocks with her on the floor.  We went to the Civil Affairs office to finalize the adoption.  She is legally ours now.  It was unceremonious – basically answering the same questions that we had previously answered to two other people.  She did very well there.  We all thought that going back to the very same room of such trauma the day before would be hard, but all the children did fine.  We met a Christian couple from Jacksonville, FL who were adopting a little girl with several special needs.  He is a youth pastor and she grew up in Peachtree City.  What a small world but I shouldn’t be surprised. God brings his children together no matter where we are to comfort and encourage each other.  We hope to get together with them for more fellowship soon.

 

Hannah is still pretty clingy to Mom, only letting us put her in the stroller some of the time.  I used the baby sling to carry her all afternoon yesterday and this morning, but she is just too heavy to keep that up for the whole time.  When Eric picks her up she screams, so Daddy carrying her isn’t working yet either.  Let’s hope that will change, too, because we’d rather have her in contact with our bodies as much as possible, but my back and arms are just not strong enough to carry her 24/7.

 

It seems nights are our biggest problem.  She does not want to go to sleep.  Crying inconsolably.  We got a crib in our room hoping that would be more familiar to her.  She lurched herself over the edge and Eric caught her before she crashed headlong onto the floor.  That was my cue that the crib was not the solution.  We took the tiny crib mattress out and laid it on the floor next to our bed.  We are in a Japanese style room so our mattress is on the floor, too.  We are right next to her.  She doesn’t know how to fall asleep in bed, or at least she isn’t showing us that yet.  She always has to fall asleep sitting in our laps while we are on the computer.  Eric tried a couple times to transfer her into bed, but she would wake right up again.  Finally we both lay down and put her on her little mattress and she eventually fell asleep.  We all got 4 hours of sleep – praise the Lord – but now we are up again.  I am blogging with her on my lap.  She has just cried for 35 minutes and has now stopped.  Maybe we’ll get back to bed soon.

 

I was humming Great is thy Faithfulness to her to try to get her to stop crying.  It didn’t work, but it ministered to me.  God is helping us.  Today is better than yesterday.  I trust tomorrow will be better still.  I know she is experiencing a lot of grief, a necessary part of adoption.  With a little sleep on board, I hope I’ll be better able to help her through it.