The Difference between Seeing and Trusting

God is so merciful to me to bring me this trial and teach me through it. I can honestly say that I know that I needed it, and I do consider it joy that He loves me enough to refine me. I am constantly reminded these days of all God is doing in my life and in my family (as Michelle says, "in spite of me"). He has shown me His hand at work. I was so concerned for Lauren and Andrew being thrown into a new school in the midst of all the changes at home. Lauren has really had a struggle, but God is teaching her, too. The other morning, I saw her praying by herself before school. I always pray with them before school, and I have been praying that they would learn to call out to Jesus on their own. He allowed me to witness His answer with my own eyes. I also saw Andrew reading the children's Bible to Gabriel one night, all on his own. I saw Gabriel start to love Hannah and really reach out to her. I saw Hannah learn her own new name, claim it, say goodbye to "Shan Shan" and call us a family. I heard Eric speak deep words of wisdom about the true nature of God and how we don't really get it as American Christians sometimes - that somehow we are surprised by adversity from His hand instead of expecting it as Scripture tells us over and over. I have drawn closer to my mother and my sister in a very spiritual way. I have been humbled and overjoyed by the many ladies who have reached out to me and counseled me with the love of Christ. I have been convicted of my own self-reliance, pride, judgmental attitudes, weakness of faith, and God is using that to hone me and prune me.

I have seen all these blessings (and more) from the hand of God through this trial. Yet, I still have nervous mornings, bad days, and emotional breakdowns. (much better than in my darkest time, but not gone) My mom encouraged me to read Proverbs 3 the other day. Many of us can quote Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." As I said before, verses I have known since childhood take on much greater depth for me than ever before. I really started to wonder if I was really trusting God in all this. Sure, I could clearly see the hand of God at work. I believed that I was His child and that I would not be forsaken. Yet, did I really trust Him to be God? Did I really trust Him with my whole heart or just the part I was willing to let Him invade? I don't think I did really trust Him with my whole heart. I trusted Him for my eternal salvation and for many other things, but not everything. I was starting to see Him really working in spite of me, so I began to trust Him for my family; but I wasn't really trusting Him for me. I was still nervous, worried, upset, wondering if I would always be this way. Well, that's not trust. Trust says, "Yep, I might always be this way and that's OK if that's how you need me to be, because you are with me and you are working for my good and your glory. And yep, you might heal me but in your time. And yep, if you do choose to heal me, let me never go back to the way I was, but let me keep really trusting you." I realized that I needed to let go of the desire to get back to the old me. Truth be told - I really liked her. She was strong, independent, very capable, but many times she trusted in herself and not her God. I don't want to be her again. I want to be a woman who has learned how to really trust God for her strength, for her service, for her family, for her heart, for her worship. God is faithful and He will do it. I trust Him.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ..... Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice. (Psalm 51: 17, 8)