Two steps forward, one step back

Eric was just waiting for us to be able to use this title, and it happened today.  Many meltdowns.  Much testing.  We continued to hold her and speak kindly to her.  We are both tired because we are spending all our attention and energy trying to bond and build trust.  It is pretty exhausting.  Eric was telling me tonight that he thinks God is trying to increase our ability to show mercy.  Neither one of us score very high in that area.  This will be quite the school for that.

 

Today we went to the Chen Clan Academy.  It used to be a big house but is now a museum.  We saw (or Eric saw, Tif stayed near Hannah) intricate ivory and wood carvings, detailed embroidery that looked like paintings, old furniture including a bed with porcelain pillows.  It seems like I’d always be in a bad mood if I slept on that bed.  Hannah had a big meltdown while we were there.  I have posted a pic of the beginning of the meltdown but it got worse from there.  Sometimes it is obvious what started the meltdown, but other times we are not sure.  I think, as in all tantrums, it is a control issue, but this time she is not sure she can trust us to relinquish her control.  I am hoping that as we remain consistent and she learns to trust us, these fits will ease.  It is very much like what a younger toddler would do except with the force of a 3 year old.  I was also thinking that toddler tantrums can be partially caused by a lack of ability to communicate which Hannah is also experiencing.  We are trying to teach some baby signs to give her some way of communicating until her English gets better.

 

We are counting the days and moments until we get home.  This is a very long time to be away from our children and our life.  It is not like a relaxing vacation where you can just veg out with a book.  I brought a few books but haven’t even cracked them.  We are playing, talking, holding all the time.  I really need a Star Trek!!  It is not all bad.  Hannah has warmed up so much since the first day.  She is a smart little girl. She really needs to see the model of family life from Lauren, Andrew and Gabriel.  I know that will only help.  May God heal her broken heart even now.

Other pics

Not sure if I’ll get the order right, but here are brief descriptions of these pics:

 

Hannah with her new doll

Mom holding Hannah in the street during one of her tantrums

The market across the river – bunches of dried snakes – eew!

How Mom got Hannah to take her first nap – now we can lie down in bed

Wedding models everywhere – There is a big photography studio near our hotel, and there are models taking pictures every day, all the time.  Kind of funny.

Hannah and Daddy pics

 

Half way there

Well, today marked the half way point in our journey.  I am so ready to get home and hold ALL of my children.  Lauren, Andrew, and Gabriel, we miss you VERY MUCH.  We had the visa medical exam today, and Hannah did very well considering.  Of course, she wailed when she got her 5 shots and PPD skin test, but who wouldn’t?  She quickly calmed down with some M&Ms and was back to normal with us.  This is such an answer to our prayers.  I was hoping that holding her down for the shots wouldn’t harm our fragile relationship, and it seems that it hasn’t.  We have to wait until Monday morning our time to get the results of the TB skin test.  Pray that it is negative so we can be done with the medical portion of our visit.

 

Now that Hannah is more comfortable with us, we are seeing more of the behaviors that others have experienced.  Pushing buttons, playing here and there with many things but not fully playing with any one thing, testing our commitment to her by walking away and then looking back to see if we’ll come.  This last part is actually encouraging because she is looking back, but it has become a bit of a game and grows tiresome quickly.  However, she does respond to “go lai ah” which is Cantonese for “come here.”  She laughs as if she was waiting for me to say it.

 

Another new discovery is that she may yet like dolls.  The nanny told us that she didn’t like dolls, and indeed, she didn’t play with the 2 that I brought.  However, we were in a store today when she saw a little Chinese doll with another baby doll on its back.  She held it and carried it around the store.  Yep, you know it, I would have paid whatever they asked for that doll.  Fortunately, it wasn’t expensive.  Maybe she just wanted a doll that looked like her.

 

She is doing better with Eric.  She still has a fickle relationship with him, but she does love to play with him.  Eric is always the fun one at home, too.  He is still a boy at heart and he is a good playmate.  Today they were batting around the beach ball that the Thompsons sent along with us (Thanks).  She has quite the overhand volley.  Maybe she’ll be a sporty girl.

 

Sleeping has gotten a lot better.  I have to go down with her and let her lie completely on top of me, but she does fall asleep without too much struggle.  For a while when we get home, I might get more sleep than I need but get nothing else done around the house.  Hmmm, does that mean I need a house keeper? J

 

We feel your prayers continually.  It is evident that God’s hand is working through all of this.  Praise Him for His kindness and grace.

Amazing postscript to today's post

Just a quick PS on my previous post.  We went to bed around 8:00 p.m.  I took Hannah in to bed with me, she wrapped her arms around my neck and fell asleep across my body in minutes.  Not a wimper, not a peep.  I just wriggled out from underneath her to write this little note.  Eric whispered, “Amazing,” as she was falling asleep.  I had been praying that Jesus would drive out the fear in her heart.  Perfect love casts out all fear.  He is doing a work in her already.

 

Pray for us.  Tomorrow is Hannah’s Visa medical exam.  It will not be fun.  She has to get several shots and the TB skin test.  Pray that we will not lose ground with her due to this stressful day.  Also pray that her skin test ends up negative.  Otherwise, she will need a chest x ray later in our trip to rule out TB.  Many of you know what a big deal the TB testing has turned into with a couple of families having to leave their newly adopted children in China for TB treatment.  Oh, I pray that is not in our future, but we trust that God is working in all things.

 

Good night – back to bedJ

Better each day

We are starting to see a little more of the real Hannah.  She is a happy girl who loves to “read”, play, and color.  Her coloring is pretty surprising for a new 3 year old.  She holds the crayon correctly and tries to color inside the lines.  Of course, she can’t really do it yet, but it isn’t just the random scribbling that you would expect.  She also draws parallel lines.  How funny!  Our little ones tend to draw circles first.  She loves to give us things in the room – cookies, books, brushes, our shoes, our clothes, etc.  She is also quite the princess, as our Chinese guide calls her.  She probably hasn’t had boundaries as she was the oldest and favorite girl of the baby orphanage.  When we set boundaries, she fights and fights until she finally resigns.  It is easy for us to tell when she is crying out of fear and grief and when she is just throwing a tantrum.  The fearful cry is much different, and there is no kicking and bucking.  It is more of a low wimpering cry.  The tantrum is just like the classic 14-month-old tantrum that we have witnessed so many times before.  I told Hannah that she picked the wrong mom to fight – I’ve been there, done that.  We’re winning little battles all the time.  Once the battle is won, she is compliant and fun and happy.

 

Last night, she did not want to go to sleep again.  I decided to just sit holding her on her little mattress while she wailed away.  I’m sure the other hotel guests think we’re killing her.  Her screams are ear piercing.  I’ll probably have hearing damage by the time this is all over.  After an hour of screaming mixed with periods of calm, she let me put her head down on my shoulder in bed with me.  That in itself was a miracle as we hadn’t seen her lie down flat yet.  Within minutes she was asleep.  She slept the entire night.  Praise God! Sleep makes everything more bearable.

 

Today we played a lot together in the room.  She is great when it is just the 3 of us.  She has learned to accept our room as “home” and recognizes the hotel lobby with a smile when we come in.  We went out to explore a local market off the island.  As soon as we got there, she started to panic.  This was not the tantrum cry, but the fearful cry.  We’re not sure if it was just overwhelming to her or if she was scared of all the Chinese faces that reminded her of the orphanage.  Whatever it was, she would not let go of me and we didn’t get to explore for too long.  It was HOT and HUMID and not fun carrying a scared 3 year-old everywhere.  We decided to just go back to our hotel – the Victory.  It was much better.  We did have afternoon tea (a big meal, actually) with our adoption group at the White Swan.  That was fun.  She did very well.  She stayed in the stroller the whole way there without making a fuss.  She walked and held my hand while we shopped on the island afterwards.  That was the result of an earlier battle in the middle of the sidewalk where she did not want to walk and threw a big fit in the middle of everyone.  I just stopped, knelt down to her level, held her, and waited until she stopped screeching.  It is very hard to do that here.  It seems like the local folks are unaccustomed to such discipline.  Oh well, I’m pretty hard-headed, you know.  Anyway, I won that battle and she walked holding my hand later in the day.  Nap time was another challenge that resulted in Hannah taking a nap.  Doesn’t this sound like I am such a meanie?  I know.  But we are really seeing fruit.  She is loving and smiling and helpful and starting to like us.  She just has a stubborn streak that is going to test limits.  She’ll be a typical McBryde after all.

 

Right now she is singing something in Chinese as she is coloring. To think that just 72 hours ago she was so scared and sad that she couldn’t talk or sleep is a testimony of God’s grace in this journey.

More Pictures

If this works, it will be pics of us playing at a park together on the island and Hannah brushing my hair.  She likes to have her hair brushed so we brush each others’ to help build that bond.  If only we could get her to like brushing her teeth….

Pictures

I hope we have figured out how to get our pictures to the blog without seeing it, but if they are messed up, someone please email me.  Hopefully, this post will contain pictures of our first meeting with Hannah, how she calmed down and actually smiled by dinner that night, the next day at the finalization of her adoption.  More in the next post….

Breakthrough

I think we just had a little breakthrough with Hannah.  We were coming home from our passport and visa photo appointments and she did not want to be in the stroller.  My back and arms were killing me and she still didn’t want Eric to hold her.  I just stood firm talking gently to her, holding her hand while we strolled, but not letting her out of the stroller.  She was pitching a royal fit, kicking, screaming.  The Chinese people were all looking at us as though I should give in and let her out.  I was questioning myself the whole time.  If this were Lauren, Andrew or Gabe, no problem, pitching a fit does not get you your way.  However, all the adoption books say not to do this.  From some advice from another adoptive parent, I decided to just trust my instincts.  We made it back to the room with her still crying.  I got her out, held her, but spoke a bit more firmly that she can’t act that way (I know she couldn’t understand my words, but I think she understood the meaning.)  We changed her diaper, washed her hands, sat down and calmed down.  Eric got out the blocks hoping to engage her.  She played with him and spoke her first words since we have had her.  She talked and talked.  She has been giving us cookies, playing with both of us, smiling and talking a lot.  Could we have won a little battle?  I pray so.  For now, Eric is almost in tears that she is accepting him and playing with him. Praise the Lord.

 

Last night was a bit better – we got chunks of sleep.  She still cannot put herself to sleep.  We have to hold her and type on the computer before she falls asleep.  For her nap today, Eric built me a pillow throne on the couch and she fell asleep on my lap for 1 ½ hours.  She actually falls asleep sitting up, crouching over forward.  I don’t know how she breathes.  If I move her she wakes.  Finally I can push her back on my chest.  I have a feeling she slept sitting up in her crib a lot in the orphanage.  We may have a long road of sleep issues ahead.  In some ways she is like a newborn.  We slept many nights with Lauren, Andrew and Gabe on Eric’s chest in the lazyboy when they were infants.  We had to do sleep training when they were ready and it didn’t happen overnight.  I think I have to think about it this way.  No one has ever taught her anything….  How sad.  I can’t dwell on it or I’ll get all teary again.  A little more on that: she was scared of a butterfly yesterday at the park.  She was scared of the koi in the pond at the White Swan Hotel.  We can only imagine how she react to our Bailey dog…

 

Right now she and Eric are wandering out in the halls at her request.  Eric has a new friend.  We are so happy.  We know there may be setbacks, but let’s be thankful for the blessings as they come.

 

 

Day 2

Things were a little better today.  Throughout the day Hannah got more comfortable with being with us and being in our room.  She started to play with some of the toys we brought her.  She would allow Eric to play blocks with her on the floor.  We went to the Civil Affairs office to finalize the adoption.  She is legally ours now.  It was unceremonious – basically answering the same questions that we had previously answered to two other people.  She did very well there.  We all thought that going back to the very same room of such trauma the day before would be hard, but all the children did fine.  We met a Christian couple from Jacksonville, FL who were adopting a little girl with several special needs.  He is a youth pastor and she grew up in Peachtree City.  What a small world but I shouldn’t be surprised. God brings his children together no matter where we are to comfort and encourage each other.  We hope to get together with them for more fellowship soon.

 

Hannah is still pretty clingy to Mom, only letting us put her in the stroller some of the time.  I used the baby sling to carry her all afternoon yesterday and this morning, but she is just too heavy to keep that up for the whole time.  When Eric picks her up she screams, so Daddy carrying her isn’t working yet either.  Let’s hope that will change, too, because we’d rather have her in contact with our bodies as much as possible, but my back and arms are just not strong enough to carry her 24/7.

 

It seems nights are our biggest problem.  She does not want to go to sleep.  Crying inconsolably.  We got a crib in our room hoping that would be more familiar to her.  She lurched herself over the edge and Eric caught her before she crashed headlong onto the floor.  That was my cue that the crib was not the solution.  We took the tiny crib mattress out and laid it on the floor next to our bed.  We are in a Japanese style room so our mattress is on the floor, too.  We are right next to her.  She doesn’t know how to fall asleep in bed, or at least she isn’t showing us that yet.  She always has to fall asleep sitting in our laps while we are on the computer.  Eric tried a couple times to transfer her into bed, but she would wake right up again.  Finally we both lay down and put her on her little mattress and she eventually fell asleep.  We all got 4 hours of sleep – praise the Lord – but now we are up again.  I am blogging with her on my lap.  She has just cried for 35 minutes and has now stopped.  Maybe we’ll get back to bed soon.

 

I was humming Great is thy Faithfulness to her to try to get her to stop crying.  It didn’t work, but it ministered to me.  God is helping us.  Today is better than yesterday.  I trust tomorrow will be better still.  I know she is experiencing a lot of grief, a necessary part of adoption.  With a little sleep on board, I hope I’ll be better able to help her through it.