A little crazy

Do you ever feel like you're going crazy? I do. I should be relieved that Hannah is making slow but real progress in our family, but instead I am sad, anxious and stressed. She is starting to play with her siblings and able to walk away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually played outside with the kids while I put dinner together the other night. That is huge. I should be ecstatic, but I'm sort of numb. I know in my mind that I should be thankful for these little blessings, but my heart isn't on board. The tantrums, the control issues, and constantly being vigilant to give love to each child has made me exhausted. I am glad that a few others have written of similar feelings on their blogs and emails so I know that I'm not completely alone.

There is a lot of focus on the grief of the adopted child. We must make sure that she can grieve in safety and security with us. I think maybe I am grieving, too. I am grieving the loss of our family as I knew it, the unmet expectations of how things would be with Hannah, the loss of our family balance. We are trying to find the new normal, and I don't think we are there yet. I know I need to give it more time - we've only been home a little more than a week.

We did go to church today as a family and God answered our prayers that Hannah wouldn't be too overwhelmed and that she wouldn't throw a tantrum in church. She did quite well actually with Eric in Sunday School, the family in the worship service, and with me during Preschool Praise. Everyone probably wonders what in the world I am complaining about. I wonder that, too, but I live with a whimpering child on my leg for the majority of the day.

I remember reading a blog of an adoptive parent who was so negative and complained in every post. I thought to myself, "What is up with this woman? She finally has the child she waited so long for and she can't even enjoy her." I understand her now. One thing this all has taught me is to never judge someone else. You can never know how it is to be in their shoes. I don't want to be a complainer, though, so I am going to try to have faith that God will redeem this time, that He will redeem her heart, that He will bring us all peace. During our Sunday School lesson today, I was struck by hearing about Jesus meeting with his disciples after his resurrection and saying, "Peace be with you. My peace I give you." I started to cry. That is what I need- his peace - that peace that transcends all understanding. I will present my requests to God, with thanksgiving, and He will grant me peace.

Settling in

Today was our best day yet. Hannah started to explore our house away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually went down the stairs without me. She still gets very anxious and cries if I walk away, even across the room, but at least she is starting to try to explore on her own. We are all saying "Mommy always comes back" every time I walk away or around the corner. It may take a while but I am hopeful she'll have peace. This is our biggest prayer right now: that Hannah will know peace. Please join us in this prayer.

We are going to try to go out to Chick Fil A for dinner to practice eating out as a family. We ate out the entire time we were in GZ, but she was pretty anxious a lot of the time. She has been doing better at our family meals and even learning to wait for the prayer (with much reminding, of course). Tonight we are venturing out. We all need to get out, and Chick Fil A is pretty forgiving if it doesn't go well:-)

Gotta go. I'll post more tomorrow.

Pictures, finally Part 3

Home with our little warriors
Learning how to paint with watercolors - a favorite activity in our school room

Pictures, finally Part 2

Finally on US Soil - Hannah is officially a US citizen
Never enjoyed Starbucks so much in my life as I did while we were in China
Hannah is happy that we are checking out, too
Boarding the train to Hong Kong
A little bit of attitude - well, a lot

Pictures, finally Part 1

Scenic Guangzhou
The Red Couch Photo
Our Travel Group
The Dragon Boat Ride
Consulate Oath Day

Coming out of the fog

Today I finally feel like I'm coming out of the fog. I don't have a fever anymore and I am able to stay awake all day. Poor Andrew has caught the fever bug, though, so keep him in your prayers. All in all, today has been a good day. Hannah has been a little better at not clinging to me. This afternoon, we actually went to a little park playground near our house and got her to start playing with Lauren, Andrew and Gabe and not me!!! She would check in from time to time, but it was such a relief to see her playing without me. I do confess that I was in a bad mood all morning, though. I read this morning about the shield of faith to extinguish the fiery darts of the evil one. Well, I didn't use it very well this morning and gave in to a feeling of anger and frustration. Thankfully, our God is gracious and He still showed me favor.

I realized something, too. I haven't been able to be with or gab with my girlfriends in weeks. I am a very social person and I love my girlfriends. This isolation has taken just as big a toll on me as everything else. I spent almost an hour on the phone with my friend, Jen, this afternoon, and I felt MUCH better. I really need my friends. Today made me realize that. We are going to start getting out. I love you, girls, and I miss you. I also realized that I have to just start trying to get life back to normal. I am a do-er, so when I am not doing, I start feeling really lost. Hannah is going to have to learn what life is really like in our house, so she might as well start now. I think we're going to do a little bit of school on Thursday:-) Let's hope we're all still sane by the end of the week.

Beauty from Ashes

My dear friend, Melissa, used this phrase to describe my day today. I have had a fever, chills and cough since we have been home. I feel awful with jetlag and a clingy Hannah only compounding the illness. Last night I finally gave up trying to be the good adoptive mom and asked Eric to just deal with everything so I could go to bed early. I woke up long enough to get Hannah to sleep. We slept from 8:30 - 3:00 a.m. and again from 5:00 - 7:00. That is our best night yet. I still felt dreadful this morning, so I just got a shower and went to bed again. By the time I got up Hannah was happy playing with Eric and the kids. She was less clingy to me but still happy to be with me. At nap time she had a big sleeping terror ending in a huge cry. I can't hold her during the terror, she is too crazy, but I did hold her during the cry. Suddenly, she just snapped out of it, said Hello, got up and went to play. She has been happy and helpful all afternoon. We are working hard at mitigating sibling jealousy by holding 2 at a time, so I'm still pretty tired, but it was a much better day. The verse I mentioned, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness," really came to pass for me today. I was out of steam and He brought about a pleasant day.

Hannah surprises us with her English already. We know that they spoke no English to her in the orphanage. We even needed a translator the day we met the nanny and director. However, she is very quick about following directions, "Put it back, take it to the trash, let's go potty, wash your hands, etc." She has also started counting 1-5 with 3 always left out, singing the Clean Up song, saying I Love You, Hello, Up, Please, Shoes, Crayons, Mama, Baba. For being with us only 2 weeks and given the fact that she didn't speak a word for the first several days with us, we are amazed. Thank the Lord for His blessings.

I know everyone wants to see pictures, so I'll try to get some posted tomorrow. We have just been barely coping so far. I think things are turning around, but please keep praying.

Harder than I thought

This is so much harder than I ever imagined, it is difficult to put it into words. Writing about it, though, brings me great release, so I hope you'll endure my ramblings, knowing it is helping me get it off my chest. There are some feelings that we are having that are too difficult to even write. I know that someday Hannah may read these posts, so I want only what will encourage her in her faith to be written. But know this, there is such a deep torrent of emotion swirling within me, it is hard to contain at times. You know how Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, etc. I definitely feel that. I also feel that God breathed some words into my own pen (not at all presuming to be Scripture, but still inspired by God) for my own instruction at this crucial hour. If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember my post in April - Reflections on Adoption. I think God inspired me to write it so that I might read it again now. It is one thing to write about the wonder of God's choosing to love us who are so unlovable on the waiting side of adoption; it is quite another on the living side of adoption. The reality of loving a child who doesn't love back, who fights back at times, who doesn't communicate in the way we want is so difficult. I can praise my God so much more that He loves me. It is, indeed, a divine gift - to love. I am praying for it all the time.

Struggling with doubts and my own selfish heart makes me realize the truth of Paul's words,"Fight the good fight of faith." It is a fight. Eric was reminding me tonight that the devil is using every doubt, every uncertainty, every regret to get my mind off of Christ Jesus. I must fight back with scripture, with thanksgiving, with thoughts of hope. His power is made perfect in weakness. We are thankful today that Hannah rode in the car seat to get a pizza and only cried for 3 minutes. We took the whole family, strapping everyone in, and think that helped. We are thankful that Hannah finally likes brushing her teeth. In China, we couldn't even get her mouth open to brush until almost the end of our trip and it was a battle. After 2 days of watching Lauren, Andrew, and Gabe brush, Hannah decided that she likes brushing her teeth and will let me help her. We are thankful that she started using the little potty today with many successes. We still have a long way to go with fear, trust, jealousy, but it is good to focus on our blessings. I know many of you are praying for us - we can feel it and please keep it up, for our God answers the prayers of his people.

Finally Home

We made it. We're finally home. We got here last night around 7:30 (we were able to catch an earlier flight from Newark to Atlanta), so the kids were awake when we got here. We had a wonderful reunion. Hannah did quite well meeting her brothers and sisters - not so well with the carseat and Bailey dog. She cried the entire way from the airport to our house because of the carseat. I guess we'll be taking lots of practice drives to get her used to it. She does freak out whenever Bailey walks by. We continue to hold her and stroke Bailey and say how nice he is, etc. Poor Bailey... He's been outside a lot today.

Good news: She has not thrown a fit since we've been home, though. I was sure that seeing Mommy love on the others would do it. She started, but I always held her and showed her that I can love more than one person at a time. She still gets jealous, but that will just take time. We've had a good day at home, although we're very tired and I think I'm getting sick. I am so ready to be able to sleep in my own bed, but that may have to wait a while. I am still having to sleep with Hannah in her bed until she falls asleep. Then I move to a blow-up mattress on the floor next to her. Pray that she will adjust to sleeping in her own bed soon so I can sleep in mine:-)

We are so thankful to God that He brought us safely home, that Hannah did not reject her brothers and sister, that the aunts seemed to be in good spirits after the long time of caring for the kids, that Hannah did not completely shut down when she got to our house, that God is giving us strength for the day. One day at a time. We're too tired to post any pics today, maybe tomorrow.

So glad to be back home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost Home

A feeling of jubilation overwhelmed Eric and me today.  We are packing to go home!  We head out for Hong Kong on tomorrow evening, and back to the US on Thursday.  We are positively exuberant!  We had no idea how much we could miss Lauren, Andrew and Gabe.  We had no idea how difficult this journey would be.  It was so emotionally charged.  In some ways it reminds me of those first few days after giving birth to your first child – exhaustion, uncertainty, doubts, emotions run amok.  I guess since this is our fourth child we thought we would be better prepared for all that.  It is awesome, though, how God has carried us through this whole time.  I heard him speaking to me so clearly in the few scriptures I was able to read while Hannah was sleeping.  I heard his Word speaking to me in the midst of my fears.  I heard him say, “I am with you.  This will strengthen your faith.  You can’t think or plan this thing through; you need me for your every breath, thought, action.”  And this is just the beginning.  I know this road will be harder than I thought, but I also know that God is using it to grow me in faith.

 

Right now, Eric is on the Pearl River cruise.  Being seasick in the heat with the very real potential of a temper tantrum by Hannah just didn’t appeal to me.  As with a lot on this trip, Eric will take plenty of photos, so I can see what it was like.  I did get a massage today, though.  It was called a “90 minute foot massage” but she did almost every part of my body.  It was heavenly.  I just relaxed in the silence.  The best part is that it cost only about 11 US dollars.  Can you believe it?  90 minutes - $11.  I really needed it.

 

Hannah has had a good day.  Good times with Dad again while I went out.  Lots of speaking in Chinese and singing in Chinese.  A few good bonding cradles.  Peekaboo and exploring.  It gives me hope.  Sleep is still a challenge with some screaming before sleeping.  This may be our biggest battleground.  I keep reminding myself that our sweet Lauren used to cry for an hour before napping when she was a baby.  I kept a journal, of course, so I remember.  She ended up being our best sleeper.

 

We took the famous red couch photos today and I’m sure Eric will have a bunch from the cruise.  Hopefully, we’ll post some photos tomorrow before we check out.