Do you ever feel like you're going crazy? I do. I should be relieved that Hannah is making slow but real progress in our family, but instead I am sad, anxious and stressed. She is starting to play with her siblings and able to walk away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually played outside with the kids while I put dinner together the other night. That is huge. I should be ecstatic, but I'm sort of numb. I know in my mind that I should be thankful for these little blessings, but my heart isn't on board. The tantrums, the control issues, and constantly being vigilant to give love to each child has made me exhausted. I am glad that a few others have written of similar feelings on their blogs and emails so I know that I'm not completely alone.
There is a lot of focus on the grief of the adopted child. We must make sure that she can grieve in safety and security with us. I think maybe I am grieving, too. I am grieving the loss of our family as I knew it, the unmet expectations of how things would be with Hannah, the loss of our family balance. We are trying to find the new normal, and I don't think we are there yet. I know I need to give it more time - we've only been home a little more than a week.
We did go to church today as a family and God answered our prayers that Hannah wouldn't be too overwhelmed and that she wouldn't throw a tantrum in church. She did quite well actually with Eric in Sunday School, the family in the worship service, and with me during Preschool Praise. Everyone probably wonders what in the world I am complaining about. I wonder that, too, but I live with a whimpering child on my leg for the majority of the day.
I remember reading a blog of an adoptive parent who was so negative and complained in every post. I thought to myself, "What is up with this woman? She finally has the child she waited so long for and she can't even enjoy her." I understand her now. One thing this all has taught me is to never judge someone else. You can never know how it is to be in their shoes. I don't want to be a complainer, though, so I am going to try to have faith that God will redeem this time, that He will redeem her heart, that He will bring us all peace. During our Sunday School lesson today, I was struck by hearing about Jesus meeting with his disciples after his resurrection and saying, "Peace be with you. My peace I give you." I started to cry. That is what I need- his peace - that peace that transcends all understanding. I will present my requests to God, with thanksgiving, and He will grant me peace.
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3 comments:
We've only been home 3.5 weeks, and it truly wasn't until the end of the third week that we felt better. Again, I had to set some boundaries as you read on my blog, and it's hard, but we too had an amazing day in church today. I am sorry for your hurts. The Lord will reveal is plan, I know it! But through the sleepless nights and constant parenting a new child, it's tough to see. But it's there, I can feel it!
I am a mom of four, soon to be five when we travel to bring our little girl home. One thing I learned about from all the reading and research I've done, and all the classes our agency has made us take, is that there is something called "post adoption depression." I've even seen a book on it. I am so NOT diagnosing you or even suggesting that is what you are feeling. But just writing to give you support and it seems so many moms feel that way - biological or adoptive - it can all be the same. Hang in there. I'm guessing you are still wiped out from China and with all the adjustments. Also, THANK YOU for being so honest in your writing and your experience. For an upcoming adoptive mom like me I learn so much from people like you. My number one worry is adjusting to a new baby and still taking care of my other four children, and myself, husband, home, etc. I have a private blog, but am starting a public one for when we travel if you'd like to follow our story as it develops. Take care! Staci
www.youbelong.net/sophierose
Jolene and Staci,
I am definitely suffering from this "post adoption depression". I cry all the time and am having a terrible time feeling anything for this precious little one. I, too, have 4 other children ranging in age from 7 - 17. Staci, it is good for you to read this before you go. I feel like if I could have read some of these things before I began to go through this that perhaps I would have been more prepared. I was prepared for everything but the way I desperately want to love this child, but cannot say that I do yet. We have been home for 3 weeks. I think as a mom who already has kids, you know what an overwhelming painfully deep love you feel for your children and you know this child desperately needs this love too, and it is a source of great sadness, fear, and frustration that you don't feel it. Jolene, I would love to read your blog. I am sorry to say I have not been so candid about my struggles on my blog. That has probably been the wrong decision. Tiffany, I am very sad to say I lost your email address and really want to keep in touch. Cherie
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