Harder than I thought

This is so much harder than I ever imagined, it is difficult to put it into words. Writing about it, though, brings me great release, so I hope you'll endure my ramblings, knowing it is helping me get it off my chest. There are some feelings that we are having that are too difficult to even write. I know that someday Hannah may read these posts, so I want only what will encourage her in her faith to be written. But know this, there is such a deep torrent of emotion swirling within me, it is hard to contain at times. You know how Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, etc. I definitely feel that. I also feel that God breathed some words into my own pen (not at all presuming to be Scripture, but still inspired by God) for my own instruction at this crucial hour. If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember my post in April - Reflections on Adoption. I think God inspired me to write it so that I might read it again now. It is one thing to write about the wonder of God's choosing to love us who are so unlovable on the waiting side of adoption; it is quite another on the living side of adoption. The reality of loving a child who doesn't love back, who fights back at times, who doesn't communicate in the way we want is so difficult. I can praise my God so much more that He loves me. It is, indeed, a divine gift - to love. I am praying for it all the time.

Struggling with doubts and my own selfish heart makes me realize the truth of Paul's words,"Fight the good fight of faith." It is a fight. Eric was reminding me tonight that the devil is using every doubt, every uncertainty, every regret to get my mind off of Christ Jesus. I must fight back with scripture, with thanksgiving, with thoughts of hope. His power is made perfect in weakness. We are thankful today that Hannah rode in the car seat to get a pizza and only cried for 3 minutes. We took the whole family, strapping everyone in, and think that helped. We are thankful that Hannah finally likes brushing her teeth. In China, we couldn't even get her mouth open to brush until almost the end of our trip and it was a battle. After 2 days of watching Lauren, Andrew, and Gabe brush, Hannah decided that she likes brushing her teeth and will let me help her. We are thankful that she started using the little potty today with many successes. We still have a long way to go with fear, trust, jealousy, but it is good to focus on our blessings. I know many of you are praying for us - we can feel it and please keep it up, for our God answers the prayers of his people.