Last Post - Join us at our new blog

This will be my last post in Waiting for Hannah. I have started a new family blog at www.mcbryde-family.blogspot.com. I invite you to start following us there. I posted several posts all at once, so remember to start from the bottom and work your way up.

Hannah has been home for 3 1/2 months now and she is really settling into the family. She seems to laugh more and has started being "silly". Today for the first time, I saw her doing imaginative play all by herself with a piece of cheese. It became a school bus and it was zooming across the table and she was talking about it while no one was looking. This is a big milestone for her. She didn't really know how to play when she came to us. Now she will feed her baby a bottle, play with blocks/connectagons, and finally imagine. I am so happy for her.

She likes to pray, likes her Sunday School and preschool classes, loves to paint and draw, and her language is really starting to come together. I am forcing her to say complete sentences and she is able to say them. Of course, there is still much to learn, but we are thankful that she can communicate better and better each day.

As a family, we are still finding our new balance but it is getting easier. I remember a discussion I had with Lauren and Andrew early on about just trying to make it to Christmas. Well, we made it, with God's faithful hand upholding us all the way, and things are so much improved. We will start homeschooling again in January, so I am hoping that will bring more normalcy back into our lives. Yes, it will be more challenging, but it is what we know, it is what we do, we need to get back to just being us again.

As for my anxiety/depression, it comes and goes, but I really feel like I am starting to get my life back again. I had 2 bad reactions to anti-depressants, so I decided they just weren't for me. I know there are other medical options out there, but I am seeing so much fruit from just lots of time in the Word, in prayer, and talking with dear Christian women. My pastor gave me an awesome book "Depression, A Stubborn Darkness" that has been pivotal in my healing. I am so thankful to God for all the people He has sent my way to aid me in this journey. I am hopeful again. I am starting to make plans again, but now much more reliant on Him. I remember hearing someone who adopted say she was glad they did it because it taught her how to really trust God. I know what she means. One journey is over, but another is just beginning. I pray for strength for that journey constantly. He is faithful. The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.

Still More Pictures

Tinkerbell, Hannah can be quite a girly-girl,

First "Lovey Fest" on a rainy day,

Fall Fun

More Pictures

Learning to eat Peanut Butter and Butter Sandwiches,

The Airshow,

First Haircut,

The twins getting ready for our morning walk

Hannah's First 2 Months

I apologize for not blogging lately. Having an almost 9-year-old, a 6-year-old, and 2 3-year-olds is enough to drive anyone crazy, not to mention a mom who was really crazy just a few weeks ago. But God is gracious to us and we are all doing better. Lauren and Andrew have adjusted to their new school. Gabe and Hannah have just started 2 mornings a week at the preschool that Lauren and Andrew attended when they were little. Mommy is going to a Ladies' Bible Study again and loving it. Daddy has started running again. Hannah is gaining English pretty rapidly, her tantrums are much less, and she is starting to settle into family life. Gabe is prone to repeat our new mantra, "We're a family and we love each other," although with him it sounds more like "we wub each udder." Well, we are learning how to wub each udder, but it is stretching us in ways we couldn't have comprehended before. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." We have begun to figure out that we are so incapable of this love apart from the indwelling love of Christ. We fail to love this way so often. Our whole family is learning how much we have to rely on the Holy Spirit to love through us. It is a hard lesson, but a good one to learn. I'm sure we'll be learning it for a long time.

I know everyone wants to see pictures. I hope these photos will encourage you how much just a little love (even our imperfect love) can do for a child. Hannah is so different from that screeching, scared, tantruming little one we were handed just a couple months ago. We know that only the perfect love and grace of Christ can cast out her fears, jealousy and insecurities that remain. We are confident He will do it in His time.

Our First Family Photo, Potty Time with 2 3-year-olds, and Hannah's First Airshow

The Difference between Seeing and Trusting

God is so merciful to me to bring me this trial and teach me through it. I can honestly say that I know that I needed it, and I do consider it joy that He loves me enough to refine me. I am constantly reminded these days of all God is doing in my life and in my family (as Michelle says, "in spite of me"). He has shown me His hand at work. I was so concerned for Lauren and Andrew being thrown into a new school in the midst of all the changes at home. Lauren has really had a struggle, but God is teaching her, too. The other morning, I saw her praying by herself before school. I always pray with them before school, and I have been praying that they would learn to call out to Jesus on their own. He allowed me to witness His answer with my own eyes. I also saw Andrew reading the children's Bible to Gabriel one night, all on his own. I saw Gabriel start to love Hannah and really reach out to her. I saw Hannah learn her own new name, claim it, say goodbye to "Shan Shan" and call us a family. I heard Eric speak deep words of wisdom about the true nature of God and how we don't really get it as American Christians sometimes - that somehow we are surprised by adversity from His hand instead of expecting it as Scripture tells us over and over. I have drawn closer to my mother and my sister in a very spiritual way. I have been humbled and overjoyed by the many ladies who have reached out to me and counseled me with the love of Christ. I have been convicted of my own self-reliance, pride, judgmental attitudes, weakness of faith, and God is using that to hone me and prune me.

I have seen all these blessings (and more) from the hand of God through this trial. Yet, I still have nervous mornings, bad days, and emotional breakdowns. (much better than in my darkest time, but not gone) My mom encouraged me to read Proverbs 3 the other day. Many of us can quote Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." As I said before, verses I have known since childhood take on much greater depth for me than ever before. I really started to wonder if I was really trusting God in all this. Sure, I could clearly see the hand of God at work. I believed that I was His child and that I would not be forsaken. Yet, did I really trust Him to be God? Did I really trust Him with my whole heart or just the part I was willing to let Him invade? I don't think I did really trust Him with my whole heart. I trusted Him for my eternal salvation and for many other things, but not everything. I was starting to see Him really working in spite of me, so I began to trust Him for my family; but I wasn't really trusting Him for me. I was still nervous, worried, upset, wondering if I would always be this way. Well, that's not trust. Trust says, "Yep, I might always be this way and that's OK if that's how you need me to be, because you are with me and you are working for my good and your glory. And yep, you might heal me but in your time. And yep, if you do choose to heal me, let me never go back to the way I was, but let me keep really trusting you." I realized that I needed to let go of the desire to get back to the old me. Truth be told - I really liked her. She was strong, independent, very capable, but many times she trusted in herself and not her God. I don't want to be her again. I want to be a woman who has learned how to really trust God for her strength, for her service, for her family, for her heart, for her worship. God is faithful and He will do it. I trust Him.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ..... Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice. (Psalm 51: 17, 8)

Walk in the Light

"Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." John 3:21 This verse spoke so powerfully to me yesterday. It was a bit of a down day emotionally - Eric thought I was heading back down the spiral again, but it was really quite a release. We both prayed and cried together, and afterward I read this verse in the Bible. Now that I can actually read again (I literally couldn't concentrate long enough to read even 1 verse in the Bible last week), verses that I have read so many times before speak louder and clearer than ever.
Whoever lives by the truth - not worries, not fears of what may be or might have been, not overwhelming waves of angst or despair, but the truth - Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life. The truth will set you free. Fasten on that belt of truth.... so you can stand.
comes into the light - Comes is an active verb, you have to move. Evil hangs around in darkness, nothing good comes in darkness, staying in the darkness doesn't befit a child of the Light, a daughter of the King. I need to keep walking into the light and stop lying down in the darkness.
so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God - Oh, wow. I have heard God say to me, "Do you trust me? I called you to this thing, do you believe that I am going to see it through? Do you believe that I love all your children because they are really my children? Do you believe that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose? Do you believe that pain can bring growth; do you want to grow? Do you really want to stay the same or do you want to become more like Christ? Are you going to trust me even when it is hard?"

I am feeling 2 distinct but very different ideas today: 1.) The battle is on, and I am in it. I have to fight this anxiety and depression with all that I have. I can't just lie down and let it claim me. Walk toward the light, call out to Jesus, believe that He is with me and working. 2.) Rest in God. My grace is sufficient for thee, my strength is made perfect in weakness. Recognize that I can do nothing without the power of God working in me. Hmmm. How can these 2 ideas co-exist? I think it is a bit like the whole Christian life. We are nothing without God's miraculous saving grace working in our lives. He is our very breath, our strength, our hope. Yet, He clearly gives us commands about what we are to do with the life, the strength that He supplies. We aren't to just float along, we are to engage in the battle. Well, I'm ready to engage.

God has showered me with His love through such blessed friends and family who have counseled me, listened to me, held me, served me. I am deeply moved by it all. I am actually thankful for all that God is revealing to me through this trial. I don't know if I could say that I wish it had never happened. It has been the hardest thing I have gone through yet, but I know I needed it to refine me. I also know that it is not over. The more I engage in the battle, the more the adversary will engage. Keep praying. I'll keep fighting, but this time with the strength that the Lord supplies.

The Long Journey Back

I haven't posted in a while. After that good day came several very bad days. It is hard to describe how mental illness (which is really what I have had) can turn your life upside down. I was so lost, so unsure of myself, so sad. I cried out to God and anyone that would listen. There were many moments that I wondered when or if God would rescue me. I continued to trust Him because He is the only thing worthy of my trust, but I was still clamoring for an answer, a deliverance. I felt like I was spiraling down, down, down. I'm not sure if the medicine would have worked if I had hung on longer, but I just couldn't bear it anymore. I stopped it. I questioned every decision; I could hardly think.

Then, Sunday afternoon I started to feel better. I felt more like myself. I decided to go to church on Sunday night since I was unable to make it that morning. Lauren and I went to evening service and participated in communion. As I was staring into the cup, it hit me like a load of bricks. This is the first time in my life I felt like I knew a bit of the fellowship of sharing in the suffering of Christ. (Phil 3:10) Oh, how immense was His suffering to adopt me. How agonizing his pain! How deep the loss! And yet my little suffering to adopt Hannah, which seems almost overwhelming to me, pales in comparison. Yet, I felt the fellowship of his suffering for the first time. I may have had trials in the past, but I never considered them like the suffering of Christ. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead." Christ's power saved me long ago, but I guess you have to go through this kind of suffering to glimpse the reality of the power of resurrection. I so needed to be raised again. I so desired healing and restoration.

That night I spoke to a friend at church who is a therapist. He gave me great comfort, but also recommended that I start Advil PM every night for 2 weeks since my sleep was so horrid. This was not meant to be the answer but just a stop-gap until I could get in to see a psychiatrist. I did, and I slept for the first time in weeks. Monday, I felt so much better. I was still nervous, but not panicky. There were a couple times during the day, I wondered if I was going back down, but I pressed on and made it through with no Xanax. I felt like a light was dawning. Maybe my deliverance was at hand. Today, Tuesday, I have also had a better day. I still am very nervous, but it is not the anxiety and craziness that I had been feeling. I sat down to write this blog post to get me through a rough patch. I find if I can talk it out, I start to feel better.

I have hope that I will get better. I can't say that I have felt that hope all along. I do feel a bit like I am in a battle for my mind, but I am finally starting to see some sense in it all. God is doing a huge work in my heart. He is emptying so many prideful, selfish thoughts and motives. I am stunned at how full of myself I was. When you are strong, you don't need anyone else to be strong. When I am weak, He is strong - I am really starting to grasp that. I am so blessed by so many who are praying for me and serving me. Please keep it up. God is using you to see me through.

A Good Day

Just a quick post to let everyone know that I had a good day. The new medicine that I'm on seems to be working. I'm nauseous in the morning and jittery all day (sounds like my bedrests during pregnancy) but I finally feel like I am in my right mind. And, no, I am not pregnant! Wouldn't that just be the kicker?! I can't even fathom it right now. My mother and grandfather arrived today to stay and help me for the next week. I have been held up by so many dear friends who are physically here helping through each day and those who are far away praying fervently for me. Thank you so much. I think I am seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.

The great thing about being in my right mind is that I am able to be more compassionate and loving towards Hannah. I am starting to see her in a new way, and I am so thankful that God is answering all these prayers of mine. Keep praying for all the kids. Each one of them has had their own personal struggles and act them out differently. I know that God will strengthen our family as a result of this journey. Just like building physical muscles, though, sometimes it hurts.

Ups and Downs

I can think enough to write tonight. That was not true this morning or for many mornings. I have learned that anxiety and depression can be very real and terrifying things. They make you not yourself. A blessed older couple in our church always call me "Miss Sunshine" because I am known for a smile and generally happy personality. I have not felt like her very much since I came home from China. Tonight I do - not sure about tomorrow morning.... But since I am feeling in my right mind for now, I thought I'd give some praise to the Lord for Hannah's progress. She is sleeping in her own bed through the night and at nap time. She loves to brush her teeth. She lets me sing individual lullabies to each of my children and smiles a great big smile when I get to her. This is pretty new since she was so jealous of any time my attention was focused on one of her siblings. There is still some jealousy to work through, but it is more manageable than it was. We have less rip-roaring tantrums than at the beginning and she is learning to come out of a lot of them herself (not all, but more than at first). This has taken a lot of firmness - putting her in her room until she says, "All Done" and gives me a hug. This isn't what the adoption books tell you to do, but it is what most good parents have learned. You can't give in to tantrums, adopted or not. She has started to be able to play with her brothers and sister away from me for short periods of time, especially if it is outside. She loves outside. She has a great throwing arm, but she is a bit clumsy. We think maybe she'll have a future in softball. She will sit still for a short story (sometimes with some coercion) but that is a huge improvement. She can name the parts of the face, some other body parts, count to 8 with help, say please, thank you, all done, juice, cup, shoes, brush teeth, potty, I love you, oh no, uh oh, and all our names. I love that she has started calling me Mommy instead of Mama. Actually, I call my own mom "Momma" and my kids go back and forth between "Mommy" and "Momma." The difference with Hannah is that Mama is what she was taught in China, and Mommy comes from being in our family. She accepts her Daddy and likes to play with him. She calls out for Lauren when Lauren is at school. She has let a few ladies from church take care of her without totally freaking out.

Isn't this just great for one month with us and just short of 3 weeks at home? Yes, it is. God is gracious. My own personal struggles are now less about Hannah and more about getting me back. I do think something got out of whack between the immense stress, jet lag, and that sickness that I had. I have sought medical help and am trying to work through it. It is very humbling, but I know that God is doing a work in me. It is just so hard when you are in the valley. This morning, I was feeling quite desperate, and now I feel pretty fine. Crazy, huh? At least I have moments of lucidity. Better yet, at least I have my Savior to lean on. Bible verses and worship songs have constantly run through my mind. Without my hope in the Lord, I cannot imagine going through this. Without the immense care of my Christian family, I would have already succumb. I will praise Him even in the midst of the trial for these things. Keep praying for us. He hears and answers.

The Family of God

This has been a dark week. For the first time in my life I think I am struggling with anxiety and depression - really. There are so many hours of the day that I am not me at all, and I can't find her. It got so bad that I called Sharon to come just be with me because I wasn't sure I could be alone with the kids. She came. She dropped everything and drove from PTC to my house and took care of my kids while I went to the doctor. Then both Aunt Linda and Aunt Donna split duty at our house for the rest of the week with a brief visit from Aunt Teresa. My mom, grandpa, and sister call daily to pray and cry with me. My friends from church call all the time to let me vent, and I received multiple cards and emails of encouragement. I even got a call from a sister in Christ who is a stranger to me but knows me through a blogging friend who called to share her past struggle in post-adoption depression with me.

I have never been so unable to get back to myself as I have been this past month, but I also have never experienced the hand of God through his people like I have recently. I am barely able to read the Bible, but I do. I am barely able to eat, but I am trying. I am barely able to pray, but I do. Today I sat in my van alone in the Bookland parking lot and just cried out my prayer out loud to God. I usually write my prayers or pray silenty in my heart, but this time, I just cried out loud to him. I know He heard me. I don't know when this storm will end, but I know He is in the boat with me and He will call out to the wind and waves when it is time. When I got home, I had many cards and emails waiting for me - all with scriptures. He hears and answers our cries. "Call to me and I will answer and show you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

The odd thing about it all is Hannah is making such great progress. Of course, there will be a long road of adjustment, language building, testing, learning how to be part of a family, but my psychological state has not tracked along with her progress. I know it is from God's hand, though. He is teaching this self-sufficient, in-control, get-it-done girl that I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him. If my mind stays sane, it is all because of Him. If Hannah attaches normally, it is all because of Him, because I have not done "all the right things" for her. I have had caregivers in and out because I have been unable to do it. Yet, her attachment to me seems to be normalizing. To God be the glory! We have decided to enroll Lauren and Andrew full time in Crosspointe Christian for this year instead of homeschooling. They were already going 1 day/week. Again, God is taking my tight control of their education away and teaching me to trust Him for it. This is a hard thing for me, but I know it is right for them now. They need stability, friends, and fun. I am unable to give them that now. I am sad about losing their constant presence, but I hope it won't be forever. Nevertheless, I see God's hand moving in it.

I know I will come out the other side of this trial stronger in Christ and weaker in my own self-sufficiency. It stinks going through it, though. Really. But I will trust in my Redeemer. I'll leave you with Isaiah 43:2-3 that Kathy sent to me today. Kathy, I cried when I read it. I received it right after my big parking lot prayer: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

A little crazy

Do you ever feel like you're going crazy? I do. I should be relieved that Hannah is making slow but real progress in our family, but instead I am sad, anxious and stressed. She is starting to play with her siblings and able to walk away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually played outside with the kids while I put dinner together the other night. That is huge. I should be ecstatic, but I'm sort of numb. I know in my mind that I should be thankful for these little blessings, but my heart isn't on board. The tantrums, the control issues, and constantly being vigilant to give love to each child has made me exhausted. I am glad that a few others have written of similar feelings on their blogs and emails so I know that I'm not completely alone.

There is a lot of focus on the grief of the adopted child. We must make sure that she can grieve in safety and security with us. I think maybe I am grieving, too. I am grieving the loss of our family as I knew it, the unmet expectations of how things would be with Hannah, the loss of our family balance. We are trying to find the new normal, and I don't think we are there yet. I know I need to give it more time - we've only been home a little more than a week.

We did go to church today as a family and God answered our prayers that Hannah wouldn't be too overwhelmed and that she wouldn't throw a tantrum in church. She did quite well actually with Eric in Sunday School, the family in the worship service, and with me during Preschool Praise. Everyone probably wonders what in the world I am complaining about. I wonder that, too, but I live with a whimpering child on my leg for the majority of the day.

I remember reading a blog of an adoptive parent who was so negative and complained in every post. I thought to myself, "What is up with this woman? She finally has the child she waited so long for and she can't even enjoy her." I understand her now. One thing this all has taught me is to never judge someone else. You can never know how it is to be in their shoes. I don't want to be a complainer, though, so I am going to try to have faith that God will redeem this time, that He will redeem her heart, that He will bring us all peace. During our Sunday School lesson today, I was struck by hearing about Jesus meeting with his disciples after his resurrection and saying, "Peace be with you. My peace I give you." I started to cry. That is what I need- his peace - that peace that transcends all understanding. I will present my requests to God, with thanksgiving, and He will grant me peace.

Settling in

Today was our best day yet. Hannah started to explore our house away from me for a little bit at a time. She actually went down the stairs without me. She still gets very anxious and cries if I walk away, even across the room, but at least she is starting to try to explore on her own. We are all saying "Mommy always comes back" every time I walk away or around the corner. It may take a while but I am hopeful she'll have peace. This is our biggest prayer right now: that Hannah will know peace. Please join us in this prayer.

We are going to try to go out to Chick Fil A for dinner to practice eating out as a family. We ate out the entire time we were in GZ, but she was pretty anxious a lot of the time. She has been doing better at our family meals and even learning to wait for the prayer (with much reminding, of course). Tonight we are venturing out. We all need to get out, and Chick Fil A is pretty forgiving if it doesn't go well:-)

Gotta go. I'll post more tomorrow.

Pictures, finally Part 3

Home with our little warriors
Learning how to paint with watercolors - a favorite activity in our school room

Pictures, finally Part 2

Finally on US Soil - Hannah is officially a US citizen
Never enjoyed Starbucks so much in my life as I did while we were in China
Hannah is happy that we are checking out, too
Boarding the train to Hong Kong
A little bit of attitude - well, a lot

Pictures, finally Part 1

Scenic Guangzhou
The Red Couch Photo
Our Travel Group
The Dragon Boat Ride
Consulate Oath Day

Coming out of the fog

Today I finally feel like I'm coming out of the fog. I don't have a fever anymore and I am able to stay awake all day. Poor Andrew has caught the fever bug, though, so keep him in your prayers. All in all, today has been a good day. Hannah has been a little better at not clinging to me. This afternoon, we actually went to a little park playground near our house and got her to start playing with Lauren, Andrew and Gabe and not me!!! She would check in from time to time, but it was such a relief to see her playing without me. I do confess that I was in a bad mood all morning, though. I read this morning about the shield of faith to extinguish the fiery darts of the evil one. Well, I didn't use it very well this morning and gave in to a feeling of anger and frustration. Thankfully, our God is gracious and He still showed me favor.

I realized something, too. I haven't been able to be with or gab with my girlfriends in weeks. I am a very social person and I love my girlfriends. This isolation has taken just as big a toll on me as everything else. I spent almost an hour on the phone with my friend, Jen, this afternoon, and I felt MUCH better. I really need my friends. Today made me realize that. We are going to start getting out. I love you, girls, and I miss you. I also realized that I have to just start trying to get life back to normal. I am a do-er, so when I am not doing, I start feeling really lost. Hannah is going to have to learn what life is really like in our house, so she might as well start now. I think we're going to do a little bit of school on Thursday:-) Let's hope we're all still sane by the end of the week.

Beauty from Ashes

My dear friend, Melissa, used this phrase to describe my day today. I have had a fever, chills and cough since we have been home. I feel awful with jetlag and a clingy Hannah only compounding the illness. Last night I finally gave up trying to be the good adoptive mom and asked Eric to just deal with everything so I could go to bed early. I woke up long enough to get Hannah to sleep. We slept from 8:30 - 3:00 a.m. and again from 5:00 - 7:00. That is our best night yet. I still felt dreadful this morning, so I just got a shower and went to bed again. By the time I got up Hannah was happy playing with Eric and the kids. She was less clingy to me but still happy to be with me. At nap time she had a big sleeping terror ending in a huge cry. I can't hold her during the terror, she is too crazy, but I did hold her during the cry. Suddenly, she just snapped out of it, said Hello, got up and went to play. She has been happy and helpful all afternoon. We are working hard at mitigating sibling jealousy by holding 2 at a time, so I'm still pretty tired, but it was a much better day. The verse I mentioned, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness," really came to pass for me today. I was out of steam and He brought about a pleasant day.

Hannah surprises us with her English already. We know that they spoke no English to her in the orphanage. We even needed a translator the day we met the nanny and director. However, she is very quick about following directions, "Put it back, take it to the trash, let's go potty, wash your hands, etc." She has also started counting 1-5 with 3 always left out, singing the Clean Up song, saying I Love You, Hello, Up, Please, Shoes, Crayons, Mama, Baba. For being with us only 2 weeks and given the fact that she didn't speak a word for the first several days with us, we are amazed. Thank the Lord for His blessings.

I know everyone wants to see pictures, so I'll try to get some posted tomorrow. We have just been barely coping so far. I think things are turning around, but please keep praying.

Harder than I thought

This is so much harder than I ever imagined, it is difficult to put it into words. Writing about it, though, brings me great release, so I hope you'll endure my ramblings, knowing it is helping me get it off my chest. There are some feelings that we are having that are too difficult to even write. I know that someday Hannah may read these posts, so I want only what will encourage her in her faith to be written. But know this, there is such a deep torrent of emotion swirling within me, it is hard to contain at times. You know how Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, etc. I definitely feel that. I also feel that God breathed some words into my own pen (not at all presuming to be Scripture, but still inspired by God) for my own instruction at this crucial hour. If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember my post in April - Reflections on Adoption. I think God inspired me to write it so that I might read it again now. It is one thing to write about the wonder of God's choosing to love us who are so unlovable on the waiting side of adoption; it is quite another on the living side of adoption. The reality of loving a child who doesn't love back, who fights back at times, who doesn't communicate in the way we want is so difficult. I can praise my God so much more that He loves me. It is, indeed, a divine gift - to love. I am praying for it all the time.

Struggling with doubts and my own selfish heart makes me realize the truth of Paul's words,"Fight the good fight of faith." It is a fight. Eric was reminding me tonight that the devil is using every doubt, every uncertainty, every regret to get my mind off of Christ Jesus. I must fight back with scripture, with thanksgiving, with thoughts of hope. His power is made perfect in weakness. We are thankful today that Hannah rode in the car seat to get a pizza and only cried for 3 minutes. We took the whole family, strapping everyone in, and think that helped. We are thankful that Hannah finally likes brushing her teeth. In China, we couldn't even get her mouth open to brush until almost the end of our trip and it was a battle. After 2 days of watching Lauren, Andrew, and Gabe brush, Hannah decided that she likes brushing her teeth and will let me help her. We are thankful that she started using the little potty today with many successes. We still have a long way to go with fear, trust, jealousy, but it is good to focus on our blessings. I know many of you are praying for us - we can feel it and please keep it up, for our God answers the prayers of his people.

Finally Home

We made it. We're finally home. We got here last night around 7:30 (we were able to catch an earlier flight from Newark to Atlanta), so the kids were awake when we got here. We had a wonderful reunion. Hannah did quite well meeting her brothers and sisters - not so well with the carseat and Bailey dog. She cried the entire way from the airport to our house because of the carseat. I guess we'll be taking lots of practice drives to get her used to it. She does freak out whenever Bailey walks by. We continue to hold her and stroke Bailey and say how nice he is, etc. Poor Bailey... He's been outside a lot today.

Good news: She has not thrown a fit since we've been home, though. I was sure that seeing Mommy love on the others would do it. She started, but I always held her and showed her that I can love more than one person at a time. She still gets jealous, but that will just take time. We've had a good day at home, although we're very tired and I think I'm getting sick. I am so ready to be able to sleep in my own bed, but that may have to wait a while. I am still having to sleep with Hannah in her bed until she falls asleep. Then I move to a blow-up mattress on the floor next to her. Pray that she will adjust to sleeping in her own bed soon so I can sleep in mine:-)

We are so thankful to God that He brought us safely home, that Hannah did not reject her brothers and sister, that the aunts seemed to be in good spirits after the long time of caring for the kids, that Hannah did not completely shut down when she got to our house, that God is giving us strength for the day. One day at a time. We're too tired to post any pics today, maybe tomorrow.

So glad to be back home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost Home

A feeling of jubilation overwhelmed Eric and me today.  We are packing to go home!  We head out for Hong Kong on tomorrow evening, and back to the US on Thursday.  We are positively exuberant!  We had no idea how much we could miss Lauren, Andrew and Gabe.  We had no idea how difficult this journey would be.  It was so emotionally charged.  In some ways it reminds me of those first few days after giving birth to your first child – exhaustion, uncertainty, doubts, emotions run amok.  I guess since this is our fourth child we thought we would be better prepared for all that.  It is awesome, though, how God has carried us through this whole time.  I heard him speaking to me so clearly in the few scriptures I was able to read while Hannah was sleeping.  I heard his Word speaking to me in the midst of my fears.  I heard him say, “I am with you.  This will strengthen your faith.  You can’t think or plan this thing through; you need me for your every breath, thought, action.”  And this is just the beginning.  I know this road will be harder than I thought, but I also know that God is using it to grow me in faith.

 

Right now, Eric is on the Pearl River cruise.  Being seasick in the heat with the very real potential of a temper tantrum by Hannah just didn’t appeal to me.  As with a lot on this trip, Eric will take plenty of photos, so I can see what it was like.  I did get a massage today, though.  It was called a “90 minute foot massage” but she did almost every part of my body.  It was heavenly.  I just relaxed in the silence.  The best part is that it cost only about 11 US dollars.  Can you believe it?  90 minutes - $11.  I really needed it.

 

Hannah has had a good day.  Good times with Dad again while I went out.  Lots of speaking in Chinese and singing in Chinese.  A few good bonding cradles.  Peekaboo and exploring.  It gives me hope.  Sleep is still a challenge with some screaming before sleeping.  This may be our biggest battleground.  I keep reminding myself that our sweet Lauren used to cry for an hour before napping when she was a baby.  I kept a journal, of course, so I remember.  She ended up being our best sleeper.

 

We took the famous red couch photos today and I’m sure Eric will have a bunch from the cruise.  Hopefully, we’ll post some photos tomorrow before we check out.