This has been a dark week. For the first time in my life I think I am struggling with anxiety and depression - really. There are so many hours of the day that I am not me at all, and I can't find her. It got so bad that I called Sharon to come just be with me because I wasn't sure I could be alone with the kids. She came. She dropped everything and drove from PTC to my house and took care of my kids while I went to the doctor. Then both Aunt Linda and Aunt Donna split duty at our house for the rest of the week with a brief visit from Aunt Teresa. My mom, grandpa, and sister call daily to pray and cry with me. My friends from church call all the time to let me vent, and I received multiple cards and emails of encouragement. I even got a call from a sister in Christ who is a stranger to me but knows me through a blogging friend who called to share her past struggle in post-adoption depression with me.
I have never been so unable to get back to myself as I have been this past month, but I also have never experienced the hand of God through his people like I have recently. I am barely able to read the Bible, but I do. I am barely able to eat, but I am trying. I am barely able to pray, but I do. Today I sat in my van alone in the Bookland parking lot and just cried out my prayer out loud to God. I usually write my prayers or pray silenty in my heart, but this time, I just cried out loud to him. I know He heard me. I don't know when this storm will end, but I know He is in the boat with me and He will call out to the wind and waves when it is time. When I got home, I had many cards and emails waiting for me - all with scriptures. He hears and answers our cries. "Call to me and I will answer and show you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
The odd thing about it all is Hannah is making such great progress. Of course, there will be a long road of adjustment, language building, testing, learning how to be part of a family, but my psychological state has not tracked along with her progress. I know it is from God's hand, though. He is teaching this self-sufficient, in-control, get-it-done girl that I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him. If my mind stays sane, it is all because of Him. If Hannah attaches normally, it is all because of Him, because I have not done "all the right things" for her. I have had caregivers in and out because I have been unable to do it. Yet, her attachment to me seems to be normalizing. To God be the glory! We have decided to enroll Lauren and Andrew full time in Crosspointe Christian for this year instead of homeschooling. They were already going 1 day/week. Again, God is taking my tight control of their education away and teaching me to trust Him for it. This is a hard thing for me, but I know it is right for them now. They need stability, friends, and fun. I am unable to give them that now. I am sad about losing their constant presence, but I hope it won't be forever. Nevertheless, I see God's hand moving in it.
I know I will come out the other side of this trial stronger in Christ and weaker in my own self-sufficiency. It stinks going through it, though. Really. But I will trust in my Redeemer. I'll leave you with Isaiah 43:2-3 that Kathy sent to me today. Kathy, I cried when I read it. I received it right after my big parking lot prayer: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
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Bless your heart. I am praying for you. I can tell from the way you write that you are a strong person, and with the Lord's help and in His timing you will get through this storm. The best thing you can do is what you are doing - let everyone know what is going on! Hiding it does not make it go away, so good for you for reaching out for help. My soon to be public blog is www.youbelong.net/sophierose. Our story will be on there eventually. My sister-in-law adopted a 6 year old boy from Arizona a few months ago, and she shared with me her guilt over not loving child 4 the way she loved 1,2,and 3. So the best advice she got was to love him the best way she could even though the love was different, and not the same (as intense or strong) for her other children. That was OK, and what they both needed. Hannah never needs to know that right now the love may be "different." It's not that you don't love her, but you have this immense guilt because you don't love her yet the same way as your first children. Is that right? Is that how it feels for you? We are headed out the door for church and I will be thinking of you there this morning! You are not alone!
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