Ups and Downs

I can think enough to write tonight. That was not true this morning or for many mornings. I have learned that anxiety and depression can be very real and terrifying things. They make you not yourself. A blessed older couple in our church always call me "Miss Sunshine" because I am known for a smile and generally happy personality. I have not felt like her very much since I came home from China. Tonight I do - not sure about tomorrow morning.... But since I am feeling in my right mind for now, I thought I'd give some praise to the Lord for Hannah's progress. She is sleeping in her own bed through the night and at nap time. She loves to brush her teeth. She lets me sing individual lullabies to each of my children and smiles a great big smile when I get to her. This is pretty new since she was so jealous of any time my attention was focused on one of her siblings. There is still some jealousy to work through, but it is more manageable than it was. We have less rip-roaring tantrums than at the beginning and she is learning to come out of a lot of them herself (not all, but more than at first). This has taken a lot of firmness - putting her in her room until she says, "All Done" and gives me a hug. This isn't what the adoption books tell you to do, but it is what most good parents have learned. You can't give in to tantrums, adopted or not. She has started to be able to play with her brothers and sister away from me for short periods of time, especially if it is outside. She loves outside. She has a great throwing arm, but she is a bit clumsy. We think maybe she'll have a future in softball. She will sit still for a short story (sometimes with some coercion) but that is a huge improvement. She can name the parts of the face, some other body parts, count to 8 with help, say please, thank you, all done, juice, cup, shoes, brush teeth, potty, I love you, oh no, uh oh, and all our names. I love that she has started calling me Mommy instead of Mama. Actually, I call my own mom "Momma" and my kids go back and forth between "Mommy" and "Momma." The difference with Hannah is that Mama is what she was taught in China, and Mommy comes from being in our family. She accepts her Daddy and likes to play with him. She calls out for Lauren when Lauren is at school. She has let a few ladies from church take care of her without totally freaking out.

Isn't this just great for one month with us and just short of 3 weeks at home? Yes, it is. God is gracious. My own personal struggles are now less about Hannah and more about getting me back. I do think something got out of whack between the immense stress, jet lag, and that sickness that I had. I have sought medical help and am trying to work through it. It is very humbling, but I know that God is doing a work in me. It is just so hard when you are in the valley. This morning, I was feeling quite desperate, and now I feel pretty fine. Crazy, huh? At least I have moments of lucidity. Better yet, at least I have my Savior to lean on. Bible verses and worship songs have constantly run through my mind. Without my hope in the Lord, I cannot imagine going through this. Without the immense care of my Christian family, I would have already succumb. I will praise Him even in the midst of the trial for these things. Keep praying for us. He hears and answers.